Harlee's Obsession
by SnowWhite21
Summary: What if Harlee threw away the knife,that she found in her car? What if relationship between Stahl and Harlee turns into an even darker and more twisted battle? Let's see who wins... The story takes place in the 3rd season)
1. Chapter 1

**_"You are only as sick as your secrets"._**

That one phrase stuck in my head and i was desperately playing it over and over like a loonatic. Stahl got what he wanted anyway.

Bastard possesed my mind and that was worse than any kind of sexual fantasies he could play out with me.

It wouldn't be as damaging as his words,as his soft delecate voice.

Gradually sleepless nights became normal for me.I started to avoid looking in the mirror.

But for people around me i was putting on the best performance of my lifetime. I testified in court with confedence, convincing everyone that im ok, im over it and a

near death experience didn't have its toll on me.

How brave of you,Harlee! How smart! I was proud of myself for keeping my cool no matter what. But it was a BIG FAT LIE!

Inside i was completely broken and lost more than ever before. I chased a man through the subway thinking that it was Stahl. And when i got a footage it wasn't him

at all. I've shot the man because i thought it was Stahl. Loman backed me up just like i did when he accidently killed an unarmed dealer.

I knew that i was in a big trouble.

All my life ive been lying, monipulating and pretending.

I don't even remember the last time i was completely honest and had nothing to hide. My daughter...my sweet little Christina...

the only light in my darkness. I keep on telling myself that my life isn't worthless, that i have a purpose and reson to live.

James..he was my harbour. The common sense, my last shred of conscience. And he is gone because of me.

I wanted him to save me from my life, bring me into his world where justice and truth prevail... but i dragged him into mine.

He loved me even knowing who i really was. With him i had a courage to be vulnerable...

For once in my life i chose the right man but he unfortunately chose me...

Now its Paranoia...i see Stahl everywhere...i play the 911 call every day, asking myself why he saved me...

James will never come and soothe me again, hug me and tell me that Stahl won't come back. Im alone with my messed up head.

Madness is contagious. I pay a visit to Gina every woman remotely resembles myself with her hazel eyes and brown hair.

She became my substite for Stahl. With her he could let off steam. It helped him to wear his cool mask outside his bedroom.

We switched places. Now im paying Gina for her stories about Stahl!Hahaha!Thats INSANE! 200 bucks an hour... cheeper than what Stahl paid her...anyway this woman is a link between Stahl and me...we need her to put all the puzzles together.

I need her...to know him...God,why do i do this!? Im going crazy...starting to feel that sessions with Gina are comforting and therapeutic for me.

"I would be improvising and he would just correct me...one time i called myself...you...a bad girl. But he stopped and demanded me to never say this again...he

thought that everything bad that youve done was justified...it was survival." - Gina was sitting right in front of me telling me about who i was for Stahl. His words

about healing popped up in my head. He really meant it. But how could he heal anyone when he was sick and lost more than me...

Stahl is deeply confused and deranged...and at the same time calculated and highly skilled. Throughout our tumultuous history there were times when i could see a

normal vulnerable person...witty and even brave...God, i even liked him sometimes!

Handsome, tall blue-eyed, young man with a posture of a king, always neat,precise and in order on the outside.

That was a Total opposite of his inside. When i first saw him i thought to myself "What a clean-cut man". If only i knew what he had in mind. Appearance is a very delusional thing.

But i always thought that i was better than him. Now im not sure...We are more alike than i thought at first. Both brilliant liars, skilled monipulators and both

ambitious to the core. Our sins made us dangerous for others around us.

We are both _compulsive winners_...neither one of us can accept a failure. My drive is my daughter, his drive is control. He is a control freak because he knows how

easy it is for him to fly off the handle. How many times i saw extreme rage in his eyes while his voice and posture stayed intact. That was scarier

than any tantrum that he could throw. I still can hear his phrase "You will ask for mercy" that he wispered to me when i ruined his career. Stahl was cold on the

outside while burning up inside.

During one of the sessions Gina told me that there were times when Stahl wanted her to stay with him for the whole night, just laying beside him,holding his hand.

There were times when he was demanding and rough with her, using as i could tell his fantasies and behavior with Gina depended on what was going

on between me and him in reality. If he thought that i was under his control, he would be very gentle with her. If i had my way and disobeyed his orders, he would

punish Gina. My actions reflected on his behavior with her. I despised Stahl for his obsession with me but now ive become just as obsessed with composing his

profile. What was happening to me could be described as post-traumatic stress syndrome. I was consumed by idea that Stahl is near and he is watching,

waiting for the right moment. That time when i chased a man in the cap, I promised myself to stop. Even Woz told me that Stahl would never come back because it

would be a suicide for him. But i couldn't do a thing with endless agony in my head and before going to work i played that 911 call again.

On Thursday i came to Gina even though we planned to meet on Saturday. I couldn't wait.

\- Please, tell me more about what he would say to you while you were having sex? - my voice was raspy and tired. I couldn't recognize myself anymore.

\- He...he didn't talk a lot during...he would just say your name...or during foreplay he would say that im...you are his girl...and you should remember it...he owns

you...one time he said that he was the only one who understood you...- Gina was still uncomfortable being the source for me. She couldn't look me in the eyes.

\- What did he want you to say to him? - i was interrogating her with a grim mask on my face.

\- Something like...i surrender to you...- Gina got up and poured some water in the glass.

I remembered my failed attempt to seduce and drug him. He was trying so hard to resist temptation and reject me. Andi was saying those words to him. Instinctively

i knew what he wanted to hear. And of course ive seen him and Gina on a video. But it wasn't enough for me so i decided to hear details from Gina...does it make it

any better...im sick...

\- Harlee, i think that Stahl was so obsessed because he couldn't have you...he knew that you wouldn't surrender to him...it made you extremely appealing for him...-

Gina looked at me with compassion in her eyes.

Compassion from a hooker. That's a new low for me.

\- I'll call you.. - I stormed out her appartment like someone was chasing me.

That night i couldn't sleep as usual. I couldn't take it any longer and took a sleepng pill. I knew that they are highly addictive but i needed to sleep so desperately.

\- Can i offer you a drink? - Familiar suave voice.

I opened my eyes. Stahl stood,leaning against the wall. I looked around and recognized his scarily neat and blank appartment.

It already happened when i came to him and tried to manipulate him into giving my crue an immunity. He offered me a drink after I kissed him for the first time and

he pretended to call Gail Baker. I was replaying that situation again.

\- Harlee, do you hear me? - Agent Stahl was completely calm and collected as always. Only the sparkle in his blue eyes was

showing his excitement that was boiling inside.

I looked down and saw that i was wearing the same black coat and holding my cellphone in my hand. The first urge was to scream, then pull out a gun and shoot

him. But i couldn't move a muscle.

\- Stahl...- I mumbled quietly feeling like my body weight was 10 times bigger than it actually was. I couldn't move any of my limbs.

\- I can pour you some wine or whiskey...- He wasn't moving a muscle either.

\- Wine...a glass of wine...- My mind was spinning and i just wanted to see where i could go with this scenario.

In reality that time i left him right after he asked about having a drink. Stahl came up to his bar and poured two glasses of red wine. He was moving slowly like a

well-fed cat. He didn't come close to me to hand me the drink. He just put it on the table between us.

\- How far are you willing to go, Harlee? - His voice was so smooth like he wanted to lull me.

I was staring at him, desperately trying to move my body in any direction. I felt like i was tied up again. Helpless and alone with him.

\- Why did you save me? Why didn't you just let me bleed out? - Tears started to blur my sight.

\- That was never my intention...i wanted you safe and sound...you hurt youself,Harlee...- He gave me one of his almost unnoticeable smirks.

\- What would you do if i didn't slit my wrist? You would kill me anyway! - I started shaking all over.

\- Harlee...your subconscience can give you a hint...you need me just like i need you...im the only one in your life that can make you question yourself...before me

you didn't even care what you were doing, you were comfortable doing bad things... no consequences...I made you see who you've become... - Stahl started to

make his way to me. His voice became distant.

\- Don't twist it around! Stop it! Leave me alone! - I didn't want to hear that answer because it was the truth.

\- Harlee, let me set you free from all your gilt...let me bring you to justice so you can repent your sins...- Stahl was closeenough to grab me but he was just standing

and looking at me.

\- Im gonna erase you from the face of the Earth! I promise you! - I screamed right in his face, trying to hold back my tears.

\- You can do it for sure but you will never erase me from your memory...im in your head,Harlee...and i will stay there...forever...- I felt his fingers touching my cheek,wiping away my tears.

I woke up soaking weat. My sheets and pillow were drenched with my sweat.


	2. Chapter 2

Next day i felt extreme urge to see Gina. I went to her appartment.I was frantically knocking on her door, begging her to let me in. She was inside but didn't want to

talk to me. I bet she was scared of me. At first it was Stahl and now crazy detective was using her. I was completely lost. When Christina came home,she started

insisting on therapy. And i agreed almost right away because i couldn't live like that anymore.

My therapist was "the best in New York" like Woz said. It was an obese man in his 60 with sad wise eyes and low raspy voice. First of all he started digging into my

childhood which was full of poverty and danger. Then it was Miguel's turn.

\- How can you describe your feelings for him in the beggining?

\- It was so long ago...i was naive and seeking some kind of comfort and security...Miguel seemed... - My concentration on his question started to vanish as fast as i

remembered the sound of Miguel's neck snapping.

\- He seemed like a right choice for a girl that never had a powerful figure in her life, you wanted a strong man but... - He was looking at me with some kind of

condescendence.

\- Miguel was a brutal narcissistic jerk...- I ended his sentence.

\- He was in control and abusing his power over you...it effected you, made you question everyone around you...you don't let anyone close... - He was mumbling while

writting something in his big notebook.

\- I can't let anyone hurt me anymore...i will do anything to stop it...- My headache became unbearable. I wanted to leave that therapy so badly.

\- Ms Santos, concentrate on your anger. Don't supress it. Do you despise men? Do you try to outdo and outsmart them anytime you have a chance to do it? - His

stern arrogant tone was pissing me off.

\- What are you talking about? Im not a man-hater! - I sprung up surpressing myself from punching him right in his face.

\- Im talking about you, Harlee. There's a part of you that you are not proud of and you are in denial. - He adjusted his glasses nonchalantly.

\- I don't know why you make such a stupid conclusion! You don't know me at all! - I was standing above him with balled-up fists.

\- Im a professional with 40 years of practice. Ive helped women like you, Ms Santos. - He was calm and totaly sure that i wouldn't hit him.

\- You are so full of yourself,Mr Lattimore! Im a strong woman! Im a cop! I like good men who respect women as their equals! But i can't stand a man who thinks that

he is better than everyone else! - I felt rage boiling inside of me like a lava.

\- Good for you, Ms Santos. As i can see now, you don't have a lack of energy and you are clearly not depressed. - He took off his glasses and smiled at me.

\- What does this mean?! - I looked at him trying to undestand what was happening.

\- Ms Santos, i was told that you have depression and i needed to check this theory. Im sorry if it made you angry... - His voice became smooth like silk. I was trying to catch my breath.

\- Please sit down... Depression has very specific symptoms. One of the main ones are constant lack of interest and exhaustion. If you had a depression, you wouldn't

react to my questions like you did. - He put aside his notebook.

\- Than it was a test...great...- I sat down crossing my legs, finally getting a grip on myself.

\- Let's talk about the main ussue. The man who kidnapped you. Are there any similar traits with Miguel? - He looked at me with curiosity.

\- Yeah...they are both controling sociopaths...both very good pretenders...but i thought that Stahl had more humanity in him - My mind generously threw me a

memory of Stahl helping to rescue Christina.

\- So you don't think that he is a monster and more a confused lost man...- He nodded to me approving my answer.

\- I...i don't know...i still can't understand why he called 911 and saved me from bleeding out...he...i just don't know what to do to get him out off my head... - I felt

nausea kicking in.

\- I think that you have such a hard time dealing with that trauma because you feel guilt and think that maybe you could have done something differently...so Agent

Stahl wouldn't descent...wouldn't do what he did... - His voice sounded so affirmatively.

\- I feel such a crazy mixture of feelings...i don't know what to say...- I hung my head completely confused.

\- , let's switch a topic. Do you feel your power over men? Im talking about your appeal - He opened his notebook again.

\- Ive never had a lack of attention from men...i always knew that it works to my advantage...and yes,i likе it...- I looked at him trying to figure out where he was

going with that question.

\- Did you monipulate Agent Stahl by giving him an ilussion of attraction on your part? - His stern tone returned.

\- Yes, i did...only when i was at my wits end...- I felt very uncomfortable answering that question.

\- Did you feel in control when you were monipulating him? - His voice got lower.

\- I felt...calm because i knew his weekness...yes,i was in control - I remembered the rush of adrenaline everytime i had to use Stahl's infatuation.

\- Did you like that feeling? - He started scribbling something in his notebook.

\- What are you hinting at? You think that i took pleasure in that situation? - I snapped. My nerves got the best of me again.

\- I think that you are so afraid of losing a grip that you're constantly searching for a way to be on top and always be a leader. - His words sounded like a verdict.

\- Because im a single mom, because i've been hurt so many times, because i will never let anybody push me down the stairs ever again! - I was trying to keep my

composure but i could hear my heart pounding so loud in my ears.

\- Ms Santos, im not accusing you of anything. We are just talking. - He smiled at me calmly.

\- I need help to cope with my insomnia and with my hallucination! I see Stahl! I feel his presence! I see him in my dreams! - I couldn't stop shaking. My body was so stressed out.

\- Harlee, i can't prescribe you a pill to make it all go away. Its in you head. If you don't face your biggest fears, if youdon't sort it out with yourself, it won't be over. -

He was looking at me with compassion for the first time.

\- Ok! I liked that feeling! I felt confident with Stahl because i saw how obsessed he was with me! I put the camera in his bedroom to know for sure! I saw what he

was doing with a prostitute! I felt like i could use his desire! That's it! -I didn't care whether it sounded histerical.

\- Is it all?Have you ever felt anything for that man? - He was pushing me further.

\- Are you crazy? Of course not! How could i? I loved one man who...was killed not long ago... - I choked on tears that started to pour out.

\- Don't hold back, you can cry...its better to let it out...Harlee, your history shows that you are attracted to men with power, intellect and drive for control...that's why

i think that deep down you were attracted to Agent Stahl... - He handed me a handkerchief with fatherly aproach.

\- You mean that i liked Stahl? - I couldn't believe my own ears.

\- What did you feel when you had encounters with Stahl? When you had to use his obsession? - His piercing wise eyes were staring at me waiting for my answer.

\- I...felt...God,you're twisting everything around...- I grabbed my head feeling completely lost.

\- Answer to yourself...did you feel disgust? - His monotonous voice was crushing my skull.

\- Yes!And No! I can't describe it...- I remembered the first time i resorted to kissing him. I didn't feel repulsed. His passion was so obvious and extreme. It was like i

touched fire with my bare hands. I pulled away from him,trying to catch my breath.

\- Ms Santos, i think our first session is very usefull for you. You have to come to terms with yourself and get rid of the shame that you are bearing...next time i...

\- There will be no "next time", Mr. Lattimore! You are messing me up even more! Thanks for nothing! - I stood up abruptly, not letting him finish his sentence.

He didn't say anything while i made my way to the door. He knew that it would be better to keep his mouth shut.

Woz was furious. Christina was trying to convince me to go again but i stood my ground. That therapist made me question my sanity more than before. I decided

to cope with it alone like i always did. I spent the night trying to fall a sleep. I tried everything - counted sheep, visualized relaxing scenery,read some kind of book

about animals. I just didn't want to take a pill, because i thought that i would see Stahl. But it wasn't about the effect of that pill. I was fooling myself. When the

clocks struck 2 am, i went to the bathroom. My redlection in the mirror horrified me. It wasn't me. I lost a lot of weight and dark circles under eyes got so big that i

looked like a zombie. And that big messy curly hair of mine was the only thing that still stayed the same. Stahl made Gina wear a wig, so he could pretend that he

was having sex with me.

\- God Dammit, Stahl! - Rage boiled over and i took scissors starting to cut my hair, just trying to make my bushy hair disappear.

\- Harlee, poor soul...losing control over yourself... - Soothing voice, so familiar to me cut silence.

\- No... - My voice cracked. I saw Stahl standing in the doorway totally intact and with a smirk on his face.

\- Yes, it's me... _you_ keep calling me...so im here... - He walked right up to me.

\- Don't do this to me! Stop! - I felt my knees buckling.

\- I'm not doing anything, Harlee...it's _you_ who is holding scissors - He stepped closer with an innocent face.

\- I will kill you if you... - I put scissors right to his neck. My hands were shaking.

\- Do it...you know when someone really decides to kill somebody, he doesn't warn that special person...- Stahl smiled at me like a child who was playing his favorite game.

\- Stahl...you're not real...its just a dream...- My mumbling was so pathetic.

\- Im real for you, Harlee...- He streched out his hand and touched my hair.

\- Please...go away... - My head was spinning.

\- Your hair is you...its your embodiment...wild,messy, sensual and free...- I could see tenderness in his eyes.

Stahl slowly laid his hand on my scissors and gently put it down. He made me turn around and look in the mirror.

\- _That's my girl_...- My reflection was staring at me with my curly hair totaly intact like i didn't cut it.

I woke up abruptly with a book in my hands.


	3. Chapter 3

Life was getting more and more complicated. Gina was found dead in her appartment, stabbed right in the heart. Forensics claimed that she was killed by a very

skilled person. It was a sympathetic murder because Gina didn't feel any pain, it was instant death. I knew it was Stahl right away. Of course no one wanted to

believe me. More over Gina's neighbour told that I came to her and was banging on her door for 2 minutes. Woz and Tess were intorragating me like i had something

to do with a murder. I was frantic.I rushed home trying to get away from everybody. When i was pulling up to my neighborhood, i heard something falling under my

feet. I looked down and saw a knife with blood stains on it. My mind went blank.

\- That wasn't me...i left because she didn't open the door...i remember it clearly...so it's Stahl...i know...- I was sitting im my car trying to collect myself.

\- Im not crazy...he is just trying to set me up...frame me for Gina's murder...- My mind was recoverring. I took a handkerchief and picked up the knife.

\- I need to get rid of it...- I looked in the rearview mirror. Panic took over me.

I drove to a Dumpster on the outskirts. That bloody knife was burning my hand. I threw it away,shaking like an autumn leaf that was

barely hanging on a branch.

* * *

\- Mom, im home! - Christina's angelic voice woke me up from my misery.

\- I'm here - My voice cracked like a broken string.

\- Mom, why are you sitting in the bathroom? - She sounded worried.

\- Ive just had a shower... - I was trying to wipe away the tears and dry my eyes. I didn't want my daughter to see me like this.

\- I'm waiting for you! Ordered some pizza for us! It will be delivered in 5 minutes...- Christina was the only one who could brighten up my day.

We had a dinner and i put on my best performance for her. I had to be strong for my sweet little baby. The night came again. I was so scared to fall asleep and at

the same time it was the only thing that i was craving. After 4 hours of battling myself i decided to take control of the situation if i saw Stahl again. I had to be in

control of my own dreams.

\- Mi carino...- I felt someone's hands on my waist.

\- Miguel! - Black haired man with dark eyes was right in front of me.

\- Yes,mamacita...in flesh...- Miguel was staring at me with his repulsive smile.

\- You are dead!Its just a dream! - I pushed him away with all my might.

\- Harlee...don't be rude...- I heard painfully familiar voice behind me.

\- No! - I turned around and screamed at the top of my lungs.

\- Im here for you, Harlee... - James was standing in all his glory,untouched by death. His kind and pure eyes were looking at me with sheer compassion. Only he

could look at me like that. I was standing in the room where i snapped Miguel's neck, wearing my bathrobe.

\- Guess what we are both here for you...your angel and your devil...- Miguel's voice made me cringe.

\- Go away,Miguel! James, i can't live without you...help me...i can't...- I was trying to come closer to James but every step i took, made me move farther from James.

\- Please! James! - I couldn't get to him. My body was so week.

\- Harlee...you have to face the consequences...if it wasn't for you, this angel boy would be alive...- Miguel sat down on the chair lighting up a cigarette.

\- Shut up! - I cried in agony. Tears were blurring my sight and James's silhouette was vanishing.

\- Harlee, i would be alive, if i didn't meet _you_...- James's voice became distant and cold.

\- That's right...you see what you have done to him and to me...I just wanted to get my life back...you stole it from me! - Miguel

stood up and started to walk right to me with malice in his eyes.

\- No! No! You were trying to rape me! I didn't have a choise! James, please! - I streched out my arms to James, desperately

seeking his protection.

\- It doesn't make it ok, Harlee! You are a murderer! - James crossed his arms, showing me that he wasn't going to help me in any way.

\- Yes,accept it, Mi carino - Miguel slowly wrapped his arms around my neck.

\- James!- I was fighting but it felt like Miguel was made of stone. I couldn't push him away.

\- You suffocated that man in the bathroom, making me your accomplice! Saperstein and Gina are dead because of you! - James was roaring at me with his face full of anger. It wasn't MY James!

\- Please!Help me! - Miguel was choking me and James wasn't going to save me.

\- It's the end!He won't help you because he is too righteous!He's always been like this but you were trying to pretend that you were good ...so you could be with this

perfect man...But you are not good,Harlee! He will never understand you... - Miguel was hissing like a snake,filling me up with his poison.

\- Stahl!- I scremed with the last breath that i had in me.

Instantly i heard a gunshot and Miguel's body fell on the floor. I covered my bruised neck, trying to catch my breath.

\- So it always comes down to _this_...- Stahl's seemingly condescending tone sent shivers down my spine.

\- You are both doomed...- James spit those words and vanished like he was never there.

* * *

\- Harlee Santos? - Two cops were standing in my doorway with a warrant.

\- Yes - My morning was totally nightmarish as well as my nights.

\- You are arrested on suspicion of killing Gina Romero. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used

against you in a court of law - I was handcuffed without hesitation.

\- Mom!What's going on?Let her go! - Christina run down the stairs trying to intervene.

\- It's going to be ok,baby! Call Woz... - I was so drained that i didn't feel any panic or fear.

\- Mom! - Christina was crying loudly.

\- It's just a mistake...- I squeezed out some kind of smile for Christina and lied to her again.


	4. Chapter 4

I knew that it was about the knife. But i couldn't even imagine that there were the photos of me throwing it away.

\- How can you explain this? - I was intoragated by Katie Myers from FBI.

\- First of all who took these photos? - Old Harlee was still there.

\- Ms. Santos, this tactic won't work. I ask question and you answer. - She was looking at me with no emotion on her face.

\- I found that knife in my car...i didn't kill Gina. Why would I? You should remember that i was talking about Agent Stahl and that i saw him. It was him. I came to

you! I told you! He tries to frame me,don't you see! Who could take these pictures except him? - I was adamant that it was all his plan. How stupid! I fell into his trap.

\- Ms. Santos, don't you remember that we checked that footage in the subway. It wasn't him. Have you been to psychiatrist after your kidnapping? - Katie Myers

always had negative vibes for me but this time she wasn't even trying to hide it.

\- I'm not crazy if you are hinting at it. Completely sane unfortunately for Stahl. - I stubbornly crossed my arms hardly keeping my cool.

\- I'm not saying that you are crazy...I think that trauma can effect your mental state in so many ways...uncontrolable rage, hallucination,blackouts and paranoia...you

weren't treated after that incident - She gave me the look of superiority like she knew everything in this world.

\- It's not my case...i'm alright... - I was trying to sound as confident as i could. But i knew that Myers was right even though it was painful to admit it to myself.

\- Harlee, let's be clear. Im here to get help for you...You visited Gina Romero on multiple occasions and 2 days prior to her death she called to say that she was afraid

of you. - Myers leaned over like she was telling me a secret.

\- No...that doesn't make any sence...i didn't harm her in any way! - I couldn't believe my own ears. The room started to spin.

\- I have her call recorded. Ms Romero told that you were obsessed with Agent Stahl and was unstable...and you were watching the videos from survelance cameras

from Stahl's bedroom that you hid there...those videos where Ms Romero was pretending to be you...- Her voice was banging im my ears like a drum.

\- It's not true! Not true! - My blood was boiling up and i hardly supressed the urge to stand up.

\- Also she claimed that the day you were kidnapped, you called Agent Stahl to your appartment and tried to drug him. Ms Romero told that you said that the only way

to stop him was to kill him... - Myers didn't have any doubt that i killed Gina. Just by the look in her eyes i could tell that.

\- Lies! Stupid lies! I've never told Gina anything about the day that i was kidnapped! I've never told her about cameras! I payed her for information about Agent

Stahl! She talked - I listened! - I was furious and couldn't supress myself anymore.

\- Calm down, Ms Santos. - Katie warned me with a stern look on her face.

\- I can't be calm!This is outrageous! She couldn't know about that!Only if...only if Stahl told her!Oh,my God! - I grabbed my head frantically.

\- Yes. It's also the part of his big plan. - Meyers gave me a smirk.

\- Yes it is!Don't you see!He came to Gina,forced her to call and say these things!Than He killed her! Threw me that knife in my car! That's all HIS PLAN! - i hit the

table and jumped up balling up my fists.

\- Harlee...you are delusional!Stahl is gone. He is not in the town. You need help. Gina's murder is a tragic result of your PTSD...- She stood up nodding to the cops to walk in.

\- No!Katie!Who sent you these photos?Who?! - I grabbed her by the collar.

\- It doesn't matter! They speak for themself! Get her out of here! - She didn't want to listen to me.

I was handcuffed and taken to detention cell like a real criminal. Irony of it all. I used to be on the other side...or not. My mind was so stressed that i couldn't

concentrate on one thought. Headache was unbearable.

"Woz must be knocking all the doors to get me out of here but with these photos it will be impossible to do. My poor Christina!She doesn't know anything...she

doesn't know who her mother really is...maybe i belong here..."

I didn't know hom much time passed. Probably 3 hours when the door creaked and i saw Woz.

\- Harlee... - He opened his arms to embrace me. I could see how much sadness he was trying to hide from me.

\- I've screwed up, Woz...big time... - I rested my head on his shoulder.

\- Nothing's unfixable except for death...why didn't you tell me about the knife? - He petted my head in his fatherly manner.

\- You had so much on your plate...i didn't want to add to it...Stahl is here, Woz...it's him...- I couldn't supress my tears anymore.

\- I know... - Woz's low voice sounded so comforting.

\- You believe me...im not crazy, Woz...- He stood by me and that feeling was incomparable.

\- I know you couldn't kill her...i know you,Harlee...no matter what they say...- Woz held me tightly to his chest like a guardian angel.

\- Thank you...i guess now need a lawyer,right? - I found strength to look into his face and smile.

\- I will find Stahl,Harlee! I promise! - Woz gave me that special headtilt and raised his left brow like only he could. I knew he was dead serious about that promise.

\- Take care of Christina...protect her...- I knew that he would do that even if i didn't ask him. But i said it anyway. He left and i was alone with my misery again.

I was pinching myseld not to fall asleep. How week i became...

\- He won't win...there's a neighbour who saw me when i was banging on the door...why would i go there and do it if i killed her already...doesn't make any

sence...no...they will try to show my insanity and play that Gina's call...dammit...Stahl...damn you...he wants to make me look like a psycho...like i was the one who

was obsessed and he was a victim...Jesus...what a prick...- I was mumbling to myself.

\- Yeah...what a prick,Harlee... - I opened my eyes to see Stahl standing infront of me.

\- I'm not scared...you are not real...- I covered my face trying to isolate myself from him.

\- Harlee...im not going anywhere...- His voice was taunting me. I could hear the same excitement in his tone just like when he was feeding me that soup.

\- No!You're not here! - I stood up and started pinching myself to wake up.

\- Poor Harlee...you are in a big trouble...- He wispered obviously enjoying every second of my torture.

\- Shut up and go to Hell! - I screamed covering my ears. His voice was nauseating.

\- Harlee...- Stahl hummed my name.

\- Stop! - I was pressing my hands to my ears as hard as i could but i still could hear him.

\- I'm inside your head...you can't mute me...- I felt his calm breathing right next to me.

\- I'll kill you... - I hissed with all my hatred, opened my eyes and punched him in his pale face.

He started laughing,not trying to avoid my attack or defend himself. I was punching him so hard that my fists started to bleed.

\- You are not going to win! - My rage was extreme. It completely took over me. He fell on the floor and i jumped on him grabbing his neck.

\- Go ahead, Harlee...just another kill...it's become your habit...- His face was covered in blood. Only his blue piercing eyes were crystal clear.

\- Don't twist my mind! I know that i'm not like you!I'm not crazy! - Tears were treacherously filling my eyes.

\- We are connected...can't you see it? - His cold eyes were fixed on me without blinking.

\- No! - I sqeezed his neck tighter but nothing could hurt him.

\- That's why your subconscious calls me everythime...you can't let go... - He was lying completely unfazed while i was trying my best to choke him.

\- YOU can't let go! I'm just can't be calm because you are still alive and you are trying to ruin my life... - I spat through my teeth.

\- Oh,Harlee...you've already ruined your life...i was just a trigger for your conscience to finally appear...can you answer one question?

Why did you call me,when Miguel was suffocating you in your dream? Not Woz...me...- Stahl squinted his eyes.

\- I...it doesn't matter! - He caught me off guard and he knew it. My hands couldn't squeez anymore. I was losing control.

\- Harlee, you're still in denial - His snaky voice was ringing in my head like a doorbell.

\- Stop it... - I was drained by his incessant brainwashing.

\- You can't live with the guilt,Harlee...there are bad people who have no remorse but you...you are just lost...i'm showing you the way...- He slowly put my hands

down on his chest with immence tenderness.

I woke up in my cell feeling completely broken. Harlee Santos was holding on by a thread.


	5. Chapter 5

\- Woz, what's happening? - I was escorted out of the cell and a gard led me into the corridor.

\- I've bailed you strict rules while they are investigating...bilding the case against you. - Woz was standing with a victorious posture.

\- How much did you pay? - I streched out trying to consentrate.

\- 25 thousand...let's go - He took me by the hand.

\- Woz! That's insane! - My voice sounded raspy and squeaky.

\- Everything is covered. You can't stay here. - His grip was made of steal.

\- I'll pay you back, Woz. I promise...- When we got in his car i gently kissed him on a cheek.

\- Stop it...that's what fathers do for their daughters... - He started the car with hardly noticeable smile.

My heart dropped. Woz really loved me like his own daughter. I looked away trying to hide my tears.

* * *

That day i spent with Christina. She was so strong compared to me. Woz and everybody were working on my case and i was sitting at home, doing nothing. The

terms of bail were strict. I couldn't interfere.I was ordered to go through psychiatric evaluation which disturbed me to the core. Myers was doing her work to make

me look crazy.

\- Harlee, the case will be build on the photos and Gina's call. Also they will try to turn things around and make you the obsessed one not Stahl.

FBI is trying to cover their arse. Their Agent,even a former one has to be clean. - Waz was scretching his head nervously.

\- They fired him!He crossed the line when he started to contact my daughter...he kidnapped me for God's sake! I almost died! - My head was boiling up.

\- Harlee, you should know that the truth is irrelevant when it comes to their image...i'm afraid they will try to recover him...made him look like a victim in your

hands...- Waz couldn't hide his frustration.

\- What!? - I couldn't believe that it wasn't a nightmare that i could wake up from. It was really happening.

\- Harlee...it's a war...be ready...i won't let them harm you...- Waz gave me one of his reassuring smirks.

I knew that he would try everything to help me but i felt i was sinking and nothing and no one could save me.

\- Well,Ms. Santos. My name is Louise Todeski and i'm going to evaluate your mental state. - A woman in grey suit with blond hair and big green eyes

streched out her hand to welcome me.

\- Nice to meet you, Doctor Todeski. I heard a lot about you... - I shook her hand as firmly as i could. That woman had a reputation of being very flexible with FBI.

\- Please, have a sit. - She sat down infront of me. Her stool was visibly higher than mine.

\- We begin with simple questions and tests...just say whatever pops up in your head...first impression- Her voice sounded very silky but it felt fake and rehearsed.

She showed me cards,pictures. I was trying to answer every single one with maximim consentration, thinking about the most normal and adequate options.

\- Ms. Santos,relax. You're overthinking it. This is not working like that. - That woman knew what she was doing.

\- I'm trying... - I was keeping my poker face on. Before going on that freaking evaluation i spent 3 hours preparing - meditated, concealed dark circles under my

eyes, got dressed in the most formal clothes i had. I wanted to pass it and prove that i was totally sane and stable.

\- I can see that. Let's cut to the chase. These simple tests don't work on you, . You are trying to outsmart me. But you are not the first and not the last to try it. We

are here because you are under invastigation. - Her silky voice started to annoy me so badly. Too much of self-righteousness.

\- I'm an open book, Dr. Todeski. - I wasn't going to show her my real emotions.

\- Let's find out. You've had a traumatic event and you didn't have a proper counseling afterwards. You've insisted that the man who allegedly kidnapped you, has

returned. But there is no evidence of it. Only your words. - She was reading from paper like a teacher at school. Word "allededly" hit me like a whiplash.

\- I was kidnapped by a deranged man but i got away almost bleeding out to death. I have coping skills because i've been a detective for 10 years.

I know that i saw that man. I wasn't hallucinating. - I was looking dead in her eyes trying to sound as confident as possible. Lying was my main coping skill.

\- I applaude your stamina, Ms. Santos. Though there are no facts to back it up. Tell me about the situation and why do you think that he has come back - She took out a pen.

\- It was a situation that happened because the man got obsessed and stalked me. He is a sick person. And i know him well enough to be sure that he can't help but

come back to haunt me. He won't stop. - I was trying to hide my shaking hands under the table.

\- I see. - Her eyes were examining me. Every move, every gesture.- Ms. Santos, right now i'm trying to evaluate how stable you are and how adequately you percieve

reality. That man obviously traumatized you to some extent. But now it's about the murder.

\- I understand it. - My headache started to kick in.

\- Ms. Santos, are you 100% sure that you didn't kill that woman? - I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was judging me.

\- Yes,i'm. - My hands were wet and i could feel my tempreture rising.

\- I can notice that you're shaking, Ms. Santos. Even when you try to hide your hands under the table. - Her arrogant tone was nauseating.

\- It's a stressful and embarassing situation so it's a normal reaction. - I shook my head trying to keep my cool.

\- Well, I evaluate what's normal and what's not. Ms. Santos, did you have sexual relationship with the man who allegedly kidnapped you? - She was staring at me. I

was under her microscope.

\- No...i did not... - I emphasized every word cringing inside. Memories of Stahl were attacking me. Everytime that i was close to him, everytime i kissed him.

\- Ms. Santos, the truth is the only way out of that situation. - She gave me one of those smirks that people use to show that they don't believe you.

\- I'm telling the truth. He wanted it but I never did. - I enanciated every word supressing the rage inside.

\- Ms. Santos, it's a hard topic to talk about as i can see by your reaction. - One tilt of her blond hair made me realise that i failed.

\- You think that i'm lying... . I'm just uncomfortable answering this kind of questions. - I was using my Last shreds of my composure.

\- Ms. Santos,i think our session is over. You will be informed in couple of days. - She stood up abruptly, streching out her hand to me.

\- Thank you for your time...- I could hear my heart beating in my ears like a drum.

I walked out feeling nausea and barely made it to the bathroom.

\- Shit - I hissed through my teeth looking at my sweaty red face. What happened to me? I wasn't in control anymore.

I splashed some cold water on my face. That evaluation was too short and biased. I could feel it. I knew it. FBI was on me and they wanted to put me in jail. I drove

home to have a quik shower. The phone call interrapted my plan.

-Who is this? - I was so nervous and frustrated.

Silence answered me.

\- Hallo? - My irritatation grew.

Again nothing but i could hear someone was on the line.

\- Who is it? I can't hear you...- I felt cold sleezy touch of fear.

\- Are you ready,Harlee? - Painfully familiar voice sent shivers down my spine.

\- Stahl? - My heart was about to jump out of my chest.

I heard how he exhaled and hung up abruptly. I slid on the floor, clutching the phone so tightly that my hand hurt.

* * *

\- Woz, i need to talk to Gail Baker! - I called Waz right after that horrific session.

\- Harlee, she won't help you! She is a part of a system... - His voice sounded so tired and sad.

\- I just want to talk to her...she should listen! - I turned the corner pulling up right infront of FBI Headquarters.

\- Harlee, don't make it worse!Go home! - He was trying to stop me but i made up my mind.

\- Stahl called me! I heard his voice! I need to talk to her!I'll call you back... - My mind was spinning and i had to do something.

\- Harlee! Without evidence she won't believe you! Don't go there! - I could hear panic in his tone but I hung up abruptly.

I walked in and instantly had a deja vu. I've been there so many times, looking for Stahl to confront him or to make him change his mind. On the day that i had to

tell him about Miguel and what he did to me,I could see his genuine shock and compassion.

\- Can i see Gail Baker? - I came up to a secretary. She was new and didn't know who i was.

\- Do you have an appointment? - The secretary politely nodded to me and started to check the computer.

\- No, but she knows me. It's a very important situation. I need to talk to her. Is she here? - I said hastily.

\- I'm sorry but she is busy and you have to make an appointment...What's your name? And... - She was about to do her usual routine.

\- So she is here!Thank you... - I didn't have time for all that BS.

I rushed to Baker's office not paying attention to the secretary's shouts.

\- Gail, i need to talk to you! - Stormed in without knocking.

Baker was sitting with 3 agents. They all looked at me like i was a ghost.

\- Detective Santos?! - Gail stood up throwing daggers with her eyes.

\- I know it's it's urgent. - I wasn't going to back down.

\- Ok, jentelmen. After short break we will continue. - Baker firmly nodded to agents. They left giving me disapproval looks.

\- Gail, he's called me 15 minutes ago! - My voice was raspy and shaky.

\- Harlee, who called you? - Baker crossed her arms which was a bad sign.

\- Stahl! He said " Are you ready?"! It was him!He threw me that knife in the car after he killed Gina! - I was trying to sound as calm as possible

but my nerves got the best of me.

\- Harlee, then why didn't you come to me with that knife? Why did you decide to get rid of it? - Gail was burning me with her heavy stare.

\- I was so drained and confused!Got cold feet! I've screwed up, i know that...Gail, you know me! I'm not a cold blooded murderer...and you know Stahl. He has no

limits...you fired him because of it! - I was trying so hard to get to her.

\- Harlee, he crossed the line when he contacted your daughter but to accuse him of murder, there has to be more than your words. - Baker was adamant.

\- How can you say this?! He kidnapped me and i almost died! - The nightmare was neverending. Gail was cold as ice.

\- You almost died becaude you slit your wrist. It wasn't him. In fact he called 911. - Baker's indifferent tone was killing me.

\- Really? So he is a HERO! He run away because he knows what he did! - I couldn't take it anymore.

\- Calm down...there's no need to throw a fit here. We can't accuse anybody without a proof. In your case,Harlee, we have undeniable evidence. - She picked up the p

hone and started to dial a number.

\- Gail! Listen to me! Who took these pictures? Who sent them? - I leaned over to her.

\- It was an anonymous sourse. But they are real and that's what matters. Even if he is here and he called you, it won't help your case. - Gail's tone was cold as steel.

\- So you can even clean his image if he comes back and I will be turned into a monster! Thank you, Gail! - I hit the table and was about to leave.

\- Harlee, you look very unhealthy and your behavior plays against you...think about it...- I heard her quiet remark with hardly noticeable shade of compassion but i

didn't look back. I was done.


	6. Chapter 6

I was rolling in the deep and Stahl wasn't my only enemy. FBI was helping him unknowingly. I called Woz and told him everything. He was right all along. Christina

came home and saw my distraught state. She was trying to talk to me and find out what was wrong but i couldn't tell her about Stahl's phone call. She didn't need to

know about that. She is a little girl. My little girl. What have i done to my life?

* * *

\- Harlee...let's talk...without violence on your part...- Stahl was sitting in the chair tied up, just like i was when he took me to his house. The scenario was exactly the same. But tables were turned.

\- I don't want to talk to you...i don't want to see you and hear your voice...just get lost! - I balled up my fists ready for another nightmare.

\- Your guilt is tearing you apart...that's why im here...- He smiled at me like a pupil who got a teacher's approval.

\- I know that you're trying to punish me,Stahl! But i will fight till the end and im' gonna get you...- I finally felt safe with him because he was tied up. Weak and

vulnerable just like i was that day.

\- I want to heal you...free you from the burden that is crashing you...i'm the only one who can do it... - His voice sounded like an old song that i listened million times.

\- Hero and healer...the great justice warrior...the one and only! Handler of a criminal Harlee Santos! - I came closer to him staring right in his eyes with all the hatred

that i had.

\- I'm free...The day that you ruined my career i understood that i didn't have secrets to hide...and i got my punishment...i lost my son...my status in

society...everything...and i felt free...- His blue eyes were glimmering with excitement.

\- You are crazy...loonatic...creep that hates me...that's all... - I was standing above him feeling totaly in control for the first time in so many months.

\- I love you, Harlee...- His eyes were burning.

\- It's not love! James loved me! You just want to posses me! - I screamed right in his face outraged by his revelation.

\- Yes,he loved the good Harlee, polite and fair Harlee, kind and loving Harlee but not the person that you really are...- He gave me a smug smirk like he was in charge

not me.

\- I can ducktape you right now! I can punch you to a pulp if i want to, just to make you shut up!I'm in control here not you! - I leaned closer trying to make him fear

me,like i was scared of him when i was trapped in that house.

\- Of course...you can do whatever you want to do...feel free...- He whispered like someone could hear us.

\- Just shut your mouth or i will hurt you...- I grabbed him by the chin.

\- Common...make me obey... - He was looking at me with sheer pleasure.

\- Stop it! - I slapped his face.

\- That's right...what else do you want to do? - He smiled at me joyfully.

\- You make me sick! - I punched him slitting his lower lip.

\- Harlee, you've been keeping all this anger inside!Let it out! - Stahl licked his lips, seemingly savoring the taste of blood.

I stopped. Something in me wanted to continue that sick game but i knew that i would lose control. No more blood! No more killings!

\- Harlee..- He noticed the change in me.

\- You are tied up to this chair and you are trying to make me do what YOU want me to do...you are not in control...no more! - I stepped back feeling dizzy.

\- _That's my girl_... - He wispered with unbridled desire. I recognized that fire in his eyes. The same mixture of desire and admiration that i saw when he came to my

appartment and confronted me about the camera that i hid in his bedroom. I told him that i wanted control and he accepted his obsession.

\- I'm not playing your game...- I slid on the floor catching my breath.

\- Detective Santos is a hard nut to crack...- He started to swing on the chair.

\- Stahl, i'm not afraid of you...not here...- I looked at him trying to convince myself in what i was saying.

\- You shouldn't be... - He untied himself so fast like there was no rope at all. Stahl stood up, nonchalantly streching his back.

\- Step back! - I jumped up looking for an object to protect myself from him.

\- Don't be like that, Harlee...- Stahl was walking towards me like a hungry lion.

\- I said _Stop_! - I grabbed a stoker near a fireplace.

\- I'm not going to hurt you...- His voice was decievingly silky and tender. He opened his arms, still coming closer to me.

\- Stahl, i'm warning you! - My voice cracked,giving away my panic.

\- Do it, Harlee...i'm not going to stop... - Stahl came up to me so close that i could see his dilating pupils. The rush of adrenaline overwhelmed me.

\- Do you want to die? - I felt my legs go numb.

\- Harlee...- He purred my name. I could see so much pain in his eyes like my question hit him like a tone of bricks.

\- You have to stop... _we_...have to stop... - I mumbled losing my breath. My hands were shaky and wet and a stoker was sliding off.

\- It's the only way i feel alive...- Stahl gently stroked my cheek.

\- I don't want to...do this... - I stuttered trying to lift up a stoker.

\- You don't want to kill me, is this what you mean? - He leaned so close that our noses almost touched.

\- Stahl...i want to end this...- My body refused to move while my mind was screaming to back away from him. But i was like a rabbit that was hypnotized by a snake.

\- I know...- His eyes drifted to my lips.

\- Please... - I could hear my heart was about to jump out of my chest. Why couldn't i just hit him with that stoker? What was holding me back?

\- My Harlee... - Stahl whispered right in my lips almost kissing me.

\- Don't... - I managed to put a stoker between me and Stahl putting it against his chest.

\- Well...not this time i guess...- He smiled at me and looked down at the space between us.

\- Never...and i mean it...- I was finally regaining control of the situation.

\- Ok...- He stepped back raising his arms up like i was arresting him.

\- I will get you out of my head...soon...and out of my life...- I was still shaking but somehow my voice sounded confident.

\- It's a long road...you know it, Harlee...- Stahl started to fade away and i heard a wake-up call.

* * *

The first court hearing was coming in 4 days. Woz got me the most experienced lawyer and his old friend Jeff Philips. A man in his 40 with grey hair little hazel eyes

and a permanent smile that seemed like a mask.

\- Harlee, we can make it work! Don't worry - He sat down in front of me cheerfully playing with his cigarette.

\- I'm glad that you are in a great mood but my situation is very troubled...- I was sipping green tea not feeling any taste in my mouth. Nerves were raging

underneath my poker face.

\- Oh i know about that! I've prepared a line of defense!though it would be great if that Agent Stahl was finally found! - His way of talking resembled a football coach.

Overenergised and overlypositive all the time.

\- Great? - I choked on my tea.

\- Yes! He can be our witness! - He looked at me reassuringly.

\- Our witness!? He made up that plan! He killed Gina! - I was furious.

\- Harlee, i understand but we are playing a game and your emotions are getting in the way!unfortunately we couldn't track his call. If he calls you on the cell phone,

it will be very helpful!We put a special device on your phone... - He lit up a cigarette.

\- He won't! He is too damn smart for that!Don't you forger that he is a Highly-skilled FBI Agent! - I almost smashed a tea cup.

\- I know that too! But he has a soft spot for you...you told me about it. - Jeff squinted his eyes cunningly.

\- It can't be called "soft spot"...he is obsessed...- I cringed inside,remembering the dream that i had last night.

\- Harlee, we need to convince everyone that it wasn't you who was obsessed. - He put a cigarette out nervously.

\- Oh right! I have to prove that i wasn't stalking him! Jesus! - I stood up feeling the urge to hit something.

\- Harlee, they know that you planted a bug in his bedroom and... they will turn it against you...- He scretched his head seemingly selecting the words.

\- He started it! I was just defending myself...- I was so tired of all that BS.

\- Harlee, they will ask you about your sessions with Gina! It's shady and you have to agree with me that's a good catch for them

.How will we explain this? - Jeff started tapping the pen on the table.

\- Let's start by saying that i was trying to get information from her! I want this bastard to pay for what he's done to my life! - I wasn't sure about

whether i really needed Gina as a source or as a woman who could share some of my experience with Stahl. She could understand me.

\- Harlee, you should be ready for a very dirty game. - He looked at me like he wasn't sure that i was able to get through it.

\- I'm used to it. Don't worry. - I sternly looked at him, barely keeping it together.

* * *

I searched every corner of my appartment to check if Stahl planted bugs again. But to my surprise,i didn't find anything. I could feel his presence. He was somewhere

near,lurking in the shadows.

For the first time i fell asleep, without having Stahl in my dream. But my bliss ended abruptly with a call.

\- Hallo? - It was 6 am. My alarm had to go off in 30 minutes.

\- Harlee, They've got Stahl... - Woz's voice sounded like a broken string.

\- What? - My mind went blank.

\- They found him! I don't know details but...he is officially here. - Woz hissed through his teeth. I could feel his anger.

\- Ok...i got it...- It wasn't ok but i was still not wake enough to fully digest that information.

\- Get up and be ready...- He hung up hastily.

I couldn't get up. My whole body went numb. I was lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. It had to be a part of his plan. Stahl managed to stay invisible for so much

time and right before my court hearing he was suddenly found. No coincidences with storm was picked me up. His face was grim.

\- How did they find him? Where?- I had so many questions that my head was ready to explode.

\- All i know is that he turned up at FBI like nothing happened...seems like he has a back up plan...- Woz didn't look at me like he was afraid to see my reaction.

\- God! This is getting crazier and crazier! - I exclaimed,feeling nausea.

\- Yes. I'm sure he will be used as a witness, Harlee...and FBI's strategy will be ruthless...- Woz was never driving that slow. He was in panic and i could tell, that what

i had experienced by then was just the beggining of my personal hell.

\- Jeff, i know what we need to do! We have to discredit everything that Stahl will say! We have to eliminate him as a reliable source.I know that we can call Agent

Molly Chen...she worked with him...and i have a tape of his dead partner's wife confession!He took andvantage of her,monipulated her...He literally got his partner

killed!Also there are videos of him and Gina where he calls her by my name! - I was running in circles in Jeff's office like a hunted rabbit.

\- Harlee, sit down! Don't forget that this case isn't about Stahl! It's about you and a murder of Gina Romero!And these videos won't do you no good! They will turn it

against you! Make you look like a voyer. - My lawyer was preparing papers in his usual manner.

\- But they will make him testify in court against me! We have to get rid of him! - I was still prosessing the fact that Stahl was actually here and i would see him in court, pouring out his perverted truth.

\- First of all,We have to think about your case and about a line of prosecution! it's a closed hearing because FBI doesn't want it out of the courtroom.

No press, no exposure. - Jeff piled up all the documents and finally sat down.

\- Maybe they won't use Stahl! It's risky for them, right? - I was fixed on one thing and it was Stahl.

\- Harlee, stop thinking about him! He is not the biggest threat for us! - My lawyer was seemingly irritated by my mumbling.

\- Yes!These photos!Dammit! - I balled up my fists angrily.

\- No, Harlee. The biggest threat is you. For this murder you can face up to 20 years in prison. - Jeff's permanent smile faded away. I froze in place, staring at him.

\- Unfortunately, they have many ways to show that you're unstable. You can't control yourself. And even now you're talking about Stahl all the time. -

He was looking at me with compassion.

\- Jeff, what are you trying to say? - I couldn't accept the fact that he was right.

\- You know what i mean, Harlee. You are your biggest enemy right now. It will be better for you not to testify in court. - Jeff's voice dropped.

\- What? You're afraid that i will say something wrong! Amazing! Do you think i killed her,Jeff? - I came up closer to him, demanding an answer.

\- I'm your lawyer and i defend you in court. That's all i have to know. - He was professional but i noticed fear in his eyes. His reaction spoke volumes. I felt pain filling

me up like a poison.

\- Harlee, it doesn't matter what i think. You should be very carefull with your words and actions. Be as calm and timid as possible in court. Everything else is on me. -

Jeff stood up, trying to calm me down with that promise.

I couldn't believe that my future depended on that fabricated case. But the most important thing was that my Christina's future hinged on it too.

* * *

\- Woz,where is he? - I called the only person who believed in my innocence.

\- Harlee,he is under FBI's custody. - Woz's voice sounded tired and emotionless.

\- He is not under arrest?!- I was losing my mind. My fear took over me.

\- He is locked up but FBI has him and no one else. - The feeling of his depressed state was so evident.

\- Dammit! Woz, i don't know what to do! - I was drowning, trying to grab Woz's hand.

\- Have a good rest,Harlee. You need a lot of stamina and will. I'm with you till the end. - His voice was cold as steel but i knew Waz well enough to know that there

was unconditional love behind it.

Christina came to my bedroom to sleep beside me, just like she did when she was little. I held her so tight, protecting her from the world. The world that i

learned how to survive in by doing awful things. But i never wanted her to follow my steps. My life became a big swamp and it was sucking me in.

\- Harlee...wake up...Harlee...- Soothing silky voice was calling me.

I opened my eyes and saw Stahl standing above me in his traditional suit.

\- Not again... - I whispered looking around me. It was a hospital room where i ended up after i almost bled out to death.

\- How do you feel? - Stahl had his smug grin on.

\- I feel just like you want to feel...like shit... - I tried to get up but failed. My body was numb.

\- Oh,common,Harlee. We both know that it was all your doing...- He took a stool,placing it beside the bed.

\- You did it to me! It's all YOU! - I was so hurt and angry but i couldn't move a muscle.

\- Harlee,the problem is that your subconscience tells you otherwise...you are losing it...everyone thinks that you've lost your mind... - Stahl slowly sat down, staring

at me with satisfaction.

\- No! Dream about it,Prick! - I spit those words right in his arrogant face.

\- Still in denial...but now you are in my shoes,feeling what i felt when you made me a psycho in everyone's eyes... - He hissed with spite.

\- You ARE a psycho! - My temples were throbbing so loud that i could barely hear Stahl.

\- Shh...Harlee,don't hurt yourself...- He leaned closer and stroked my head.

\- Stahl, you need to be locked up in asylum! Only psychiatrist can help you...- I felt an unbearable urge to get up and kick his arse.

\- Let's talk about the court hearing...it will uncover all your dark secrets. I can't even imagine how Christina will feel after that... - His voice was dripping with venom.

\- If i go down, You will go down with me...and your pathetic efforts to tarnish my name will turn against you...- I wasn't lagging behind with all my hatred.

\- Harlee,this's why i love it so much...we are equals...you and me...- Stahl's eyes were burning like two candles. He leaned closer,consuming the air around me.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day i spent with Christina, trying to destract myself from what was coming. We went to her favorite places, ate more icecream than ever. For short period of

time i felt happy again, almost untouched by evil and clean from blood. I was laughing and smiling for the first time in so many months. My daughter grew up so fast

and turned into such a young beautiful lady. She was better than me. Much better. I put everything on the line for her and never regreted it, not even for one second.

But my future with Christina was in great danger. I could be locked up for years.

\- Mom, i'm going to be there in court! You won't be alone there...- We were sitting on the sofa, holding hands.

\- No,baby...you can't be there...it's a closed hearing...more over they will be playing dirty so you shouldn't hear their lies. - I kissed her forehead

trying to sound as calm as possible.

\- Mom, you will be there alone! Without support! - Christina looked up at me with her big pure eyes and it sent a pang to my heart.

\- I will be with my lawyer and Woz will be there too...it will be ok...- I hugged her as tight as i could, supressing tears.

\- Then i will be waiting for you in the corridor...- My sweet little girl had my back.

\- I love you so much...no words can express it...- Every fiber of my being belonged to her.

\- I love you too,Mom... - Christina looked at me with tears in her eyes and burried her face in my chest.

* * *

I was standing before a painfully familiar door. It was Stahl's appartment. The corridor looked the same,everything was credible enough to make me feel like it was

real. The first thought was to leave as fast as possible but everything in me wanted to knock on that door. So i did.

\- Detective...- The door opened and there was Stahl in unusually casual grey shirt and jeans. It looked like a laid-back version of Stahl.

\- May i come in? - I mumbled rolling my eyes.

\- You're always welcome...- He smiled at me, not moving away to let me in.

\- Stahl? - I looked at him, waiting for him to step back.

\- I'm just savoring the moment, Harlee. I've missed it...the times when you would knock on my door... - He was staring at me like an enamored schoolboy.

\- Stop it! - I pushed him away irritably and walked in.

\- You are always like _this_ with me...- I heard his cheerful giggle.

\- What a good time for you, Stahl...happy time...you are getting what you always wanted... - I looked around his blank appartment and felt shivers running down my

spine.

\- Not really... - He closed the door,scoping me up and down.

\- Well,i'm just curious what you're going to do after you put me behind bars...if you put me there...and if you don't end up in jail too...you will find another woman to

ruin her life...- I sat down on his couch. Those dreams became normal to me.

\- Oh, Harlee, you are a jealous type... - He whispered mockingly.

\- Yes, i am...how will i live without your protection and love! - Malice was pouring out of me.

\- Common,Harlee! You can't be replaced...you are special in every way...- Stahl lowered his voice,coming closer to me.

\- And i know why...because i disclosed your dirt...no one could do it but me...- I was taunting him, not feeling any fear.

\- There's a purpose...you set me free and now it's my turn to help you... - He squatted down before me.

\- True friend... - I mumbled bitterly.

\- I always wanted to have a normal civil relationship with you,but you started to lie and play both parts...and the game began... - Stahl gave me his innocent face,

using his bright blue eyes that seemed angelic if you didn't look long enough.

\- Civil relationship? I've seen what kind of relantionship you wanted to have... - Unfortunately i couldn't forget that video.

\- You knew it from the start...you know your power,Harlee...but we could have ended our deal differently...without all this mess...- Stahl slowly put his hands on my

knees just like that time, when i was tied up to the stool.

\- I could never betray Waz!So i had to lie...but you...you can't control your sick urges... - I put my hands on his and clawed into his skin.

\- Harlee, there's a beautiful thing about pain...it's either severe or prolonged but it's never both...- He squinted his eyes, not trying to take off his hands. I

remembered those words that he said to me in the metro, when he poked his finger with a pin.

\- You think that this revenge will satisfy you...nothing can,Stahl...you are a black hole that sucks everything in and can't stop...it will never be enough...- I was

digging my nails deeper into his skin.

\- You get it,Harlee...all or nothing...i want to consume you...and i'm very close to it... - Stahl's eyes were burning me. It was an explosive mixture of

hatred,lust,admiration and disgust. The blood started dripping from his hands on a perfectly clean white floor.

\- Stahl,it's the end...the final frontier...- I looked at him, trying to see fear in his eyes.

\- It's going to be epic,Harlee...- He gave me a chilling predatory smile, making me pull my hands away.

Stahl looked down at his bruised hands and started laughing hysterically. I stood up and saw that my arms were covered in blood. The room started to spin. I

stormed out of his appartment.

\- Harlee!My poor Harlee! - Stahl's frantic shouts were ringing in my head as i run through the corridor.

I was trying to get away but that corridor seemed neverending and Stahl's voice in my head was growing louder.

\- Mom,wake up! - I heard Christina's voice interrapting my nightmare.

I opened my eyes, feeling like my whole body was set on fire.

\- Mom,you were screaming! - Christina was shaking me.

\- It's ok!Just a bad dream...- I was covered in sweat. Christina hugged me so tight that i could hear her heartbeating.

\- I will be here with you...- She lay beside me, soothing me.

My little girl was saving me from darkness that was devouring me.

* * *

The day before the first court hearing i went to Jeff. We needed to get through the whole line of defence. He had everything connected to my resume. 10 years of

great police work,the statistic of the criminal activity in New York that diminished by 50 %. Jeff wanted to create a very good image for me.

\- Who will be there from FBI? - Somehow I felt calm even though the storm was coming.

\- Katie Myers. - Jeff was wearing a white coat that made him look like a doctor.

\- Great...she doesn't like me... - My mind threw me a memory of her stern face. Something in her eyes was very unsettling.

\- We won't pay attention to it. The main thing is - we have to make it believable,that you had nothing to do with actual murder,even though you threw the knife away.

\- He said in a matter-of-fact tone.

\- I had nothing to do with Gina's murder. - I enunciated irritably.

\- Of course,Harlee. We have to make sure that everybody else will think the same. - Jeff looked at me and added hastily.

\- And judge? Who will it be? - I didn't really care,but i thought i should ask.

\- Brian McCain. He has a very good reputation - My lawyer was positive about everything.

\- What about...Stahl? Will they call him to testify? - That was the main question for me.

\- I don't know. There's a possibility that they you have to be ready and stay calm. I know it's very hard for you. - Jeff was carefully selecting right words with

compassionate face.

\- I will get by... - Nothing could sound more fake than that.

* * *

I meditated whole evening,trying to concentrate and channel my mind into a peaceful direction. But everytime i closed my eyes Stahl's face was staring at me.

\- Harlee,you seem pretty skilled creating your own reality. You killed a man with your bare hands and covered it up. It was like a flip switch and you became a

stranger... - James was looking at me with disbelief. He had a cut on his arm.

I remembered the day when it happened. When i finished Bianci right infront of him and he could see what i was capable of.

\- James...- I whispered,completely enamored by his presence. I knew it wasn't real but i didn't care.

\- Tell me the truth,Harlee! - He was demanding the answer.

I couldn't supress myself from leaning closer. The need to touch him was unbearable. I streched out my hand,caressing his cheek. Those emerald eyes that i loved

and missed so much,that soft brown beard,those full lips that i loved to kiss. He was so close and alive.

\- James,don't go away!Please don't let this dream end!I don't want to wake up! - I fell on his neck like a child,begging for protection.

\- Harlee...- He hesitated, not pushing me away and not hugging me in return. James was standing like a rock.

\- Please...hold me...i need you...- I was trying to get to him,break that ice between us.

But he was silent and cold.

\- James...- I looked up at him and clung to his lips. Tears were streaming down my face like a lava.

Finally i felt his reaction. He started to kiss me very gently like he was afraid,that i would push him away. My mind and my body were in sync. I wanted him,every

part of him.

\- I've missed you so much...- I mumbled,kissing his neck and unbuttoning his shirt. I was like a thirsty animal that finally found a watering hole.

\- Harlee... - I heard his moan.

I pushed him against the wall. Passion took over me.

\- Hey,you are really hungry...- He smiled at me and grabbed my shoulders,trying to slow me down.

\- James,please...- I was leaning to his lips,begging him not to stop.

He was examining me like he had never seen me like that before.

\- Tell me what you want? - He asked mischievously. I could hear his heart beating very fast,he was out of breath. Obviously he wanted it as much as i did.

\- I want you... - I whispered with all the love and desire that i had for him.

\- What exactly do you want me to do to you? - James's eyes were piercing me. I could see raging fire in there.

\- Stop taunting me...- I groaned, trying to erase the space between us.

\- Just say it... - He whispered right in my lips,not letting me kiss him.

\- Fuck me...- I exhaled,unable to take it any longer.

\- As you wish...- His eyes flashed victoriously.

James grabbed me and carried me to a table, that was standing in the middle of the room. He started to tear off my clothes.

\- Yes! - I exclaimed, doing the same to his clothes.

We never had something like that before. James was always gentle and his passion was never that rough. But i liked it. It was all-consuming fire that i needed. His

hands were everywhere. I closed my eyes,letting him do whatever he wanted.

\- James... - I moaned when he traced the line from my neck to my ear with his tongue. Instantly i felt his hand cover my mouth.

\- Finally...- I heard his whisper as he started kissing my chest.

\- Do it...please...- My passsion completely took over me.

I felt his hand between my legs.

\- That's my girl... - I heard barely audible moan. Something in his voice didn't feel right.

I opened my eyes and screamed at the top of my lungs.

Stahl was above me.

\- No! - I was trying to push him away histerically.

\- Common,Harlee! Let me give you something that he could never give!Something that you always wanted but could never admit to yourself! - Stahl grabbed my

wrists.

\- No!Let me go!- I was franticly twitching under him.

\- Harlee,you are mine!Can't you feel it! - He leaned closer,staring at me with his cold blue eyes.

\- Never!Even at gunpoint!Never! - I started crying,feeling like i lost my mind.

Stahl let me go and stepped back.I jumped up,grabbing my clothes.

\- It was James!Not you...not you...- I mumbled,covering myself shamefully.

\- Oh,Harlee...why do you do it to yourself?- Stahl's quiet voice was hammering me to the ground.

\- Shut up! - I felt so dirty and ashamed of myself.

\- You know subconscience is such a tricky thing,especially when it's traumatized...you wanted to see your Nava, but it was _me_ standing right infront of you the whole

time, because you let me in... _only me_...there's nobody else here,Harlee...and it's _your will_...- Stahl's face was like a mask - no emotion at all.

\- It's not my will!I didn't want you to be in my head!You screwed me up! - I started to move away from him,crawling to the wall. My legs got numb and i couldn't

stand up.

\- Everything that happens here...in your dreams...is of your own making...you can't stand up,because you don't let yourself...i'm here not Nava,because _you_ want me

to be here with you...- Stahl was coming closer,narrowing the gap between us.

\- No...it can't be true...please...no...- I was pressed to the wall and had nowhere to run.

Stahl was standing above me like an embodiment of my insanity. It wasn't Stahl that i knew. It was just a shell for my agony. I chose his face to haunt me. I created

a perverted punishment for myself. Great job,Harlee!

I woke up soaking wet. Totaly crashed and devastated. It was _my own_ creation. Those nightmares were the punishment, that my conscience chose for me.


	8. Chapter 8

I decided to pul my hair up. The need to change something in my life was so strong, but the only thing that i could change was my appearance. Just a small

difference and i felt better somehow. Woz drove me to the court in complete silence. My head was so heavy that i couldn't think about anything. I was staring out of

the window,looking at people who were walking down the street. Some were smiling,talking to each other,walking their children to school. I was so envious of them. I

wanted my life to be that simple and predictable.

Katie Myers was standing in the corridor as tight as strings. She glanced at me with with a superiority. I was so afraid to see Stahl somewhere near

and at the same time i wanted to see him. That was the sickening part. Something in me wanted to make sure that he was real,that He wasn't just my nightmare.

Woz took me by the hand and led me to the court room.

\- Here we are,Harlee. - Jeff was his usual self,smiling like he was about to give a wedding speech.

\- We are relying on you!Remember this. - Woz whispered with a mixture of threat and encouragement.

\- Don't worry. - Jeff nodded to Waz confidently.

My confidence faded away long time ago. I was prepared for the worst.

The trial began. Everything that was happening seemed blurred and hazy to me. The voices were distant. Jeff was giving a great performance and Myers with a tall

thin prosecutor were disputing almost every single word. The photos of me with a knife were speaking for themselves. They were taken just from the right angle.

Stahl knew how to stalk. That was his calling.

Jeff was maneuvering like a champ. He knew how to handle even hopeless cases. But when the prosecutor played the recording of Gina's call,my mind went blank. It

was her voice. But the tone of it was so full of fear. She was talking about me being obsessed and dangerous. Gina couldn't really think that i wanted to hurt her. It

wasn't possible. I wanted to stop that recording. I wanted to stand up and tear it apart. Jeff stated that the recording was a circumstantial evidence. And he called it

into question because of Gina's reputation. I felt bad for her. The fact that she worked as an escort didn't make her worse than anybody in that court room. Probably

Gina was more pure than me.

\- Your Honour,we would like to call a witness to the stand. Agent Robert Stahl. He worked with Detective Santos. - High and stern voice of the prosecutor hit me like a

dagger. Everything lost its meaning. I heard the doors open behind me, but i couldn't turn around to face the monster.

Loud clatter of his shoes was ringing in my head. Jeff leaned over and whispered something, but i couldn't hear anything. I could feel Stahl passing me by. I had to

find the strength to look at him. After all that he had done,and after i framed him for Miguel's murder,they still called him had to be in prison without even a chance

to see the light of day.

\- Mr. Stahl,will you speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? - Judge McCain broke the silence.

\- Yes,I solemnly declare that I will speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. - Stahl's suave voice sounded like thunder to me.

I finally found the strength to look up at him. My eyes stuck on the man,who was actively ruining my life. Stahl was immaculately intact just like the first time i saw

him at the bar. A black suit,a snowy white shirt,a dark-blue tie, a slick brown hair. Everything was in perfect order. His face. The face that was torturing me every

night. Though i had to admit,that Stahl's face wasn't the same. It changed,became more rugged and weary, like the scars of failure imprinted on his face. Or maybe it

was just my imagination playing with me.

Stahl was looking right at the prosecutor with his steely blue eyes,that still had familiar shade of pride. I bet he felt so good at this moment. He had me where he

wanted me - on trial for a murder,but not the one that i was guilty of.

\- Tell us about the recruitment of Detective Santos. - The prosecutor's tone was too polite for my taste.

\- I had made an extensive research prior to the recruitment. 4 months of compiling a profile. Detective Santos was the right choice to become an asset. We needed

Her ability to maneuver and her position in the case that we were developing. Moreover she had a reason to be our informer,because of her daughter. It was the main

leverage. - Stahl didn't look at me even once. He acted like i wasn't there.

\- Harlee,calm down. You're shaking - Jeff's whisper made me wake up from the trance. I looked down. My hands and legs were twitching. It was my body reacting to

the stress of seeing and hearing Stahl. He was only 2 metres away from me.

\- Ms. Santos wasn't fullfiling the terms that she agreed on. She played both parts,lying her way out. - Stahl's voice was smooth but i could notice anger boiling

underneath. I knew him too well.

\- Objection,your Honor! It has nothing to do with the murder of Gina Romero. - Jeff sprang up to my defence.

\- Objection accepted. - Judge McCain enunciated coldly.

\- How can you describe your relantionship with Ms. Santos? - The prosecutor was completely unfazed.

\- Relationship? - I hissed to Jeff feeling nausea. I looked back at Woz. His face was black.

\- Calm down. - Jeff squeezed my hand nervously.

\- Detective Santos was trying to seduce me. It was her usual trick to get control of the it didn't work on me. - Stahl slightly tilted his head.

\- What? - I was about to explode.

\- Objection,Your Honour! Again it has nothing to do...- Jeff was going to say the same thing.

\- Your Honor,we are leading to the crucial evidence. - Myers stood up,interrupting my lawyer.

I felt like someone was about to shoot me in the face.

\- Can we play the tape? - Myers handed a tape to the prosecutor.

\- What tape? - I grabbed Jeff's hand.

\- I don't know. - My lawyer was as shoked as me.

I looked at Stahl. He was sitting motionlessly. But the tension in his body was evident.

"-I wasn't sure you were going to come.

-You know cripted invitation is a tough combination to resist.

-You know i thought,i was pretty clear."

It was my voice and Stahl's voice.

\- Jesus...- I mumbled to myself,feeling like i was drowning. He recorded the conversation that we had prior to my failed attempt to drug him.

"- If you want something from me than say what you mean.

\- I'm going to go to prison for killing Miguel. We both know you can stop it from happening

\- How exactly would i do that?

\- Help to put the body on someone else."

\- Make it stop! - Everything in me was enraged. I couldn't bear to hear my voice.

\- Ms. Santos,sit down. - The judge hit the gavel.

\- Please,calm down!Don't make it worse. - Jeff was sweating like a pig. Woz run up to me,sqeezing my shoulder.

\- Worse?Can it be worse? I can explain this! - My nerves took over me. I was begging the judge to hear me out.

\- ,if you don't sit down,i will have to escort you out. - Judge McCain gave me a warning.

\- He set me up! - I couldn't restrain myself. It was like a flood that couldn't be stopped.

Jeff was holding me down,but unfortunately he couldn't shut me up.

\- Stahl,look at me! Look at me! - I was hysterical,losing control of myself completely. The tape was still on.

\- Harlee,stop it. Don't let him win. - Woz's whisper was the only thing that kept me from jumping at Stahl,who was still like a rock. He demonstratively ignored me

but his face got red. Myers stood up with a strange grin on her face.

\- Please,escort Ms. Santos out of the courtroom. - The judge had enough.

\- Woz! - I looked at the only person that i ever trusted.

\- I'll fix it. - Woz held my hand but i could see pain and despair in his eyes.

Two guards came in and handcuffed me.

\- The bail is cancelled. - I heard the Judge's voice when i was already in the corridor.


	9. Chapter 9

-No!No! - I was banging on the wall till my fists started to bleed.

How could i go off the rails like that!I've never been that weak. Stahl had everything planned so perfectly. He had an insurance when he came to me thatday. Stahl

was gatherithing compromising evidence all along!I overlooked a possibility of him recording our conversation!Stupid Harlee! He won! I let him win! I couldn't believe

that it was the end. I would be charged for Miguel's murder too. The guard came and led me to the room.

\- Woz...- My head was as heavy as lead.

He just looked at me and he didn't need to say anything to me. It was written on his face. I knew what was coming.

\- They have a deal for me,right? - I sat down and felt coldness of the metal table.

\- FBI wants you to plead guilty to 2 murders...when you were escorted,they called the psychiatrist to the stand. That woman who evaluated you. She was adamant

that you need help,because you have a delusional disorder...they will put you in treatment...the prison term will be shortened from 50 years to 20...only if you plead

guilty and... - I could see how hard it was for Waz to say all those things to me.

\- And... - I leaned closer, staring at him with my heart jumping out of my chest.

\- You will have to admit that Stahl had nothing to do with...everything...and that you framed him...- Woz looked down. He couldn't bear the grimace on my face.

\- They want me to admit that i had obsession with him...- My body was shutting down. The room started to spin.

\- Harlee... - I heard Woz's voice fading away.

The urge to get away was so strong. I stood up but fainted without making even one step.

* * *

\- She is very ill...

\- Definitely a heavy case...- Through the haze i could hear female voices.

\- She's waking up... - Someone came up to me and touched my forehead.

\- We need to bring thе temperature down. - Compassion in woman's voice was obvious.

\- Doctor Glisson will take care of it... - I could hear them talking but couldn't open my eyes.

\- Love should be officially declared a mental disease. How many people have suffered from it...

\- Yeah...

Their voices were fading away and everything went black again.

I woke up feeling completely disoriented. My body was drained and weak.

\- Hello,Harlee...- A short bold man with big glasses was sitting beside me.

I tried to sit up but couldn't.

\- Relax. You've had a nervous breakdown. - He had a very soothing low voice.

\- Who are you? - My eyes hurt from the light.

\- I'm Dr. Glisson. - He softly smiled at me.

\- So i'm in hospital...- I started to move my hands.

\- You're on temporary psyc ward. - Doctor said nonchalantly.

\- How long have i been here? - My mouth was so dry that i could hardly speak.

\- Here, drink some water...you were unconscious for almost 7 hours. - He helped me to sit up and gave me a glass of water.

Water gave me a rush of pleasure. I was so thirsty.

\- I need to call... - I tried to get up.

\- is here. I will call him - Doctor gently petted my shoulder.

\- Thank you... - I looked at him and squeezed some kind of smile.

He left and one minute later Woz stormed in.

\- Harlee! - I could see that he had been crying.

\- I'm fine,Woz... - My arms automatically reached for him.

He hugged me as tight as he could.

\- How is Christina?Does she know? - I was trying to breathe.

\- She is with Linda...Harlee,i told her about Miguel and that you didn't have a choice...she will understand - Woz kissed my forehead.

\- She hates me...i lied to her so many times...- I burst into tears.

\- Christina needs time to process everything that she knows now...it's very hard for her but she loves you more than anything in this world... - Woz's voice was like a

remedy for my pain.

\- I need to see her and tell her everything myself... - I looked up at Woz.

\- Not now,Harlee...we need to think about the deal.- His hands were shaking.

\- I can't do this,Woz..i'm not crazy...FBI wants to rehabilitate him at my expense...- I squeezed Woz's hands,staring right in his eyes.

\- They will lock you up for 50 years...there's nothing we can do about it...- His eyes were filled with agony.

\- So...i have to admit that i'm obsessed with Stahl and i killed Gina...- I knew what i had to do and it made me sick to my stomach.

\- Yes... You need to sign the deal with FBI...- Woz had hard time saying that to me.

\- I did once and look where i ended up...- I gave him a bitter grin.

\- I know,Harlee... - He took my hand and rested it on his chest.

\- I love you...- I whispered,feeling his heart beating as fast as mine.

* * *

2 hours later i was brought to a room with a long wooden table.

\- Feel better,Ms. Santos? - Myers welcomed me with a solemn face.

I would be happy to see anyone but her. I sat down,without saying a word.

\- Well. You have to sign these documents and you will receive the treatment that you need. - She couldn't hide her excitement from me,even though she was trying

very hard.

\- And you will have your best agent back into your ranks...- I hissed through my teeth.

\- Here are the papers. You'll have 20 years, including your treatment in psyc ward. - Myers looked at me irritably.

I took a pen but my hands were shaking very badly.

\- Take your time,Harlee - Myers smiled at me mockingly.

\- You know, what goes around comes around...eventually - I looked right in her dark hazel eyes and signed the documents.

\- That's right... - She stood up hastily,taking the papers.

Myers made her way to the door,then suddenly turned around.

\- How could you even think that a man like Stahl would be attracted to someone like you? - Her face was distorted with disgust.

It wasn't an FBI agent talking to me,it was a jealous woman. I couldn't believe my own eyes.

\- Well,Katie... - I felt such an intense rush of malicious joy that i started to laugh.

I stood up. Myers was staring at me while i mockingly turned around,flaunting my stuff.

\- He wanted all of it but couldn't have it... - I spat those words right in her face. Her reaction spoke volumes. I thought she was about to jump on me and start a cat

fight.

\- You're really crazy! - Myers stormed out of the room.

Looked like Stahl got himself a new victim.


	10. Chapter 10

My new life began with changing the clothes. A young blond nurse brought me a grey suit that resembled pyjamas. The room that i was led to was snowy white,with two beds and a little window .

\- Hi! - A thick dark-skinned woman jumped up to greet me,like i was her long-lost friend.

\- It's Melinda. You'll be sharing this room with her. - The nurse was talking to me like i was a child.

\- Call me Melly...- My roommate hugged me nervously.

I stood motionlessly.

\- The dinner will be at 6 o'clock. - The nurse soflty smiled at me and left.

\- What's your name? - Melly didn't miss a beat.

I sat down on the bed,contemplating the conversation with Myers.

\- What did you do? - My roommate was relentless.

\- Melinda,right now i'm not in the mood for heart-to-heart talk... - I lay down,facing the wall.

\- Ok...i understand...i get it...- Her voice was like a broken string.

I heard how she shuffled to her bed.

\- You know i've been here for 15 years...it's my home...- Melly mumbled sadly.

My heart ached. I was going to be here for God only knows how many years. It would become my home too.

\- I had so many roommates...probably 25 or 27...lost the count...i tried to become their friends...so that we could help each other stay sane...- Her voice was so

quiet. It seemed like she was talking to herself. I could barely hear what she was saying.

\- But it's impossible to keep your mind intact here...impossible... - Melly's whisper became inaudible. She kept on mumbling something but i couldn't understand a

thing.

The nurse came to take us to the canteen. I was really hungry.

\- You should try the green soup...it's delicious...but today is Trevor's shift so everything is tasty. - Melly was in my ear,trying to navigate me. I looked around and saw

more than 50 women in identical grey pyjamas. Most of them looked completely normal.

I took that green soup that Melly suggested and a piece of meat that looked like an overdone sole . But at that point i just wanted to eat anything.

\- Oh,i was dying to eat this pork chop whole week...- I couldn't get away from my new friend. She sat down infront of me.

I noticed attention from lots of women. They were scoping me up and down.

\- You are new so they will be staring at you...for a week...- Melly was swallowing everything without chewing it.

\- This woman with black hair and a big mole poisoned her children...and that woman with tattoo set her fiance's house on fire...- Melly was like a shoolgirl,who was

trying to give an instruction with whom i should hang out.

\- Melinda,please just let me eat... - I stopped her,not having any interest in someone else's crimes. I had enough of my own.

\- Ok...- Melly was seemingly offended but kept her mouth shut for the rest of the meal.

The psyc ward resembled a blank white appartment with many rooms. It didn't look like a prison or an asylum. By the end of the day the nurse came in and told me

that tomorrow i would have a first session with my psychiatrist.

\- We are so lucky to have Doctor Glisson...others don't listen...judge us. But he cares for us...- Melly was brushing her thick hair on the bed.

\- Why did he take us? - Finally i decided to engage in conversation with her.

\- Well,he takes the most severe cases... - My roommate's tone was as nonchalant as it could be.

I was a severe case. Crazy delusional murderer. I closed my eyes,trying to think about something good. But all i saw was an endless darkness.

* * *

\- One more for the road? - I heard Stahl's voice right next to me.

I was sitting at the bar,just like the first time i saw Stahl but didn't know who he was.

\- Everyone came to see you,Harlee...- Stahl's delicate tone got mixed up with music that was playing in the background.

I looked back and saw Woz,Tess,Loman,Tufo,Espada staring at me. They were sitting around the table. The bar was full of people.

\- I had to cover up your arses so many times,but it all began with her... - Loman pointed at me. His voice was echoing in my ears.

\- Yeah,this bitch can ruin anyone's life...- I heard Miguel's voice behind me.

I turned around and saw his pale face right infront of me.

\- No... - I recoiled,feeling how quickly panic kicked in.

\- I thought she was my family... - Saperstein's voice rang in my head.

\- I'm just a Collateral damage... - I heard a whisper. The man that i shot by mistake,thinking that it was Stahl,appeared behind Woz. He was covered

in blood.

\- Stop it! - I screamed,storming out of the bar.

I was running as fast as i could. The street was empty. No cars,no people.

\- Mom! - Christina's voice hit me like a bus. I stopped,looking for my daughter.

\- Christina! - I cried with all my might.

\- Mom!Why did you do this?!Why did you lie!He was my father! - Her shouts were like bombs,exploding in my head.

\- I'm so sorry,baby!I'm so sorry! - I fell on the ground,feeling helpless.

-Oh,Harlee...the pain can go away...just try this...- Someone came up to me.

I looked up and saw Caddie,swinging from side to side. He hunched down to hand me a needle.

\- I don't blame you...i was meant to die...the losers always end up like this... - He was smiling at me.

\- Cadie... - I tried to reach him but he vanished like he was never there.

\- You have to thank me,Harlee...if it wasn't for me,you would hurt more people...- Stahl slowly walked out of the shadows. My sight got blurry.

\- Take this gift from me...the gift of redemption... - He stopped right in front of me. His black shoes were almost touching my hands.

Everything in me was broken.

\- You need it,Harlee...- I heard soft female voice and looked up to see Gina standing next to Stahl. She had a wound in her chest still bleeding.

\- It wasn't my fault! It was YOU! - I balled up my fists,trying to stand up. But i couldn't because someone's hands grabbed me tightly.

\- Hey!Wake up!It's just a dream! - I heard Melly's voice.

\- It wasn't my fault... - I mumbled,catching my breath.

\- I know...i believe you...- Melly was petting my head like i was a child while I was shaking uncontrollably.

\- I can't be here...my daughter needs me...- The tears were choking me.

\- Children can be the reason for our demise and our recovery...it depends on us...- Melly's embrace softened,i rested my head on her shoulder.

She helped me to calm down and didn't leave until i stopped shaking.

* * *

The next day i looked at Melly differently. She didn't call a nurse to drug me and stayed with me through my anxiety attack. It said a lot about her.

\- Thank you...Melly...for helping me... - We were eating when i finally decided to thank her.

\- You're welcome,Harlee...nightmares are draining and distructive...drugs that they can give you,won't help...you'd better talk to Doctor Glisson ...he will help you...-

She was obviously happy to hear me talking to her. Melly's wide smile was so sincere and cheerful that i couldn't help but smile back at her.

I was brought to Doctor's cabinet by a grumpy old nurse.

\- Come in, . - He was at the table,sipping tea.

I sat down in a cozy blue armchair. The cabinet was very spacious. There were many pictures on the walls. Mostly landscapes.

\- I've read your file and i have to say that i'm impressed. - He took off his glasses and stood up.

\- With my criminal record? - I felt disgusted with the fact that he thought he knew me.

\- No. With your accomplishments. Such a hard life and you've managed to become a great police officer. - His voice sounded like a piano melody.

\- So nice of you to try to flatter my ego...smart move...- I crossed my arms,fully prepared for his fake politeness.

\- I know you don't trust me yet. It's ok to be defiant. One thing that you should know is that i'm on your side... - Doctor had a very calm and

soothing way about him.

\- Let's just skip the nice part and get to the bad things that i've done...- I didn't want to delay that painful process.

\- You're in a hurry? I think you know that this therapy is not meant to be a battle of intellects. - Doctor softly smiled at me.

\- I'm going to be stuck here for years like my roommate Melinda...maybe i want to spice up my boring existence here...- I gave him a hostile grin.

\- Melly is one the most interesting people i've met. 2 years here and she creates her past over and over again. Almost every month i get to know another version of

her lifestory. The first step to insanity is denial. Don't make this step. - His voice got lower and more formal.

I couldn't believe my own ears. Melly's story about 27 roommates and 15 years in here was just her imagination.

\- You call your patients "people"...unusual...- My interest grew and i wanted to talk to him.

\- Respect is necessary. There's a thin line and anyone of us can cross it...- Doctor Glisson poured another cup of tea.

\- Anyone...what do you think about me...why did i cross that line? - I leaned over,trying to make an eye contact with him.

\- Well,Harlee...can i call you by your name? - Doctor sat down infront of me.

\- Yes. - I nodded to him.

\- Harlee,your case is heavy. You are a highly intelligent woman with obsessive tendencies that lead to violent outbursts.- He didn't sweeten the pot and i liked his

frankness.

\- So i'm obsessed...it's the core of my problem. - I squinted my eyes, trying to keep my rage inside. How much i wanted to scream that i didn't belong there,that i

was normal!And the person who had to be in my place was free!

\- Yes. Obsession comes from the natural need for love and care that every single person has but...not everyone has the right direction and enough self-worth

not to lose himself in pursuit of this feeling. - Doctor really took big pleasure in explaining me the term.

\- Self-worth...- I mumbled to myself,thinking about Stahl. I thought he had enough self-worth for the whole army.

\- Obsession isn't something that we can control. It's an unstoppable urge,craving for something or someone. Our mind can be in two different places. We can

understand that it's bad and distractive but the rush of it is simple irresistible. It's all consuming. Nothing can compare to it. - While he was talking,my mind drifted

away to Stahl's monologue near the fireplace.

\- Like a moth to a flame...- I closed my eyes.

\- Exactly,Harlee. You feel it every day and night. Even in your dreams. - Doctor softly nodded to me with approval.

\- Nightmares...in my case... - I opened my eyes,feeling nausea.

\- Yes. You are not happy with your condition and that's why i'm here to help you. - He really got excited when he saw that i was finally receptive.

\- Can obsession be reversed? I mean what if the person who was the object of obsession,became obsessed himself...- I didn't know how to put it in words.

\- It can be reversed in one case - if that person is deeply affected psychologically. It builds a very unhealthy bond. It resembles a Stockholm Syndrome - Doctor was

examining me with his little eyes.

\- So i don't have enough self-worth...- My brain started to work. If i got to asylum,i had to take the most from it. I needed to know more about obsession.

\- Yes...people who have enough self-worth react to rejection in a different way. Obsession starts with rejection most of a time. - He was so willing to give me

information.

\- Now i get it...what about the pattern? If...i'm obsessive then it means i will be obsessive to every man that i fall in love with...i will repeat the cycle. - I was recalling

Stahl's behavior and his previous obsession with his partner's wife.

\- Well it can escalate... or deminish if it's treated but the pattern is the same. Harlee,let's talk about that man. - Doctor finally realized that i was the one asking

questions and it wasn't right.

\- Just one more question...if that person gets what he wants,he looks for another victim...i mean love-interest...- I needed to get information.

\- It depends on a person. You see,every single case is unique and should be considered separately. But obsession can be a life-long fixation. - Doctor opened his

notebook to write down something that he noticed in me and my reactions,while i was trying to memorize everything,that he was telling me to use it against Stahl.

\- So i can have this...obsession for as long as i live...great... - I smiled bitterly.

\- No,Harlee.I will help you to get rid of it...we have to start from the beginning - He tilted his head with sincere intent to help me.

\- Well... - I leaned back, deciding how to distort our "love story" with Stahl.

\- Open up...- Doctor's interest was growing.

\- He came into my life with agenda and strict rules. It had to be only business and nothing more. But...i planted a camera in his appartment... and it evolved into

something sick like this...- I was telling Stahl's side of the story but the Doctor had no idea.

\- Good job,Harlee. You admit that it started with your invasion of his privacy. - His voice couldn't be more cheerful.

\- Yes. I saw him in a different,more intimate way...and it was a mistake... - I felt dirty by pretending to be in Stahl's place.

\- What was appealing in him? What made you want him? - Doctor asked carefully.

I stopped,trying to find the right words. How could i see anything appealing in that monster?!

\- Harlee,if it's hard for you... - Doctor mumbled sympathetically.

\- No. It's fine...I think it was his intellect...- It was the first thing that popped up in my head.

\- Harlee,you sound unsure... - He looked at me with suttle shade of disapproval.

\- Danger...- It just jumped out of my mouth.

\- Danger. Very interesting,Harlee. - Doctor slowly and carefully wrote that word in his notebook like it was a code for The Pentagon.

\- You knew that being with him was dangerous and that's what made it so seductive. - He was relishing in that revelation.

\- I guess so...- My mind was replaying things that Stahl did,even though he knew that it was dangerous and distractive. Those moments when his life and career were

on the verge of crushing down,he felt the most intense rush.

\- Harlee,we've made such a progress!And it's just a first session! - Doctor exclaimed with genuine joy.

\- Yeah. Doctor Glisson, i want to see my friend...Lt. Wozniak. - I formed a new idea in my head and i needed Woz to help me. Old Harlee was still there and she had

something special for Stahl.

\- Saturdays are for visitors.I will call him. - He was in a good mood after our "success". If only he knew what his new patient had in mind.


	11. Chapter 11

Melly was sitting with her brush,staring at the window.

\- I like our backyard. - She mumbled emotionlessly.

\- Melly,do you have family? - After the session with Doctor i became more interested with my roommate.

\- Family...yeah,of course...like every normal person... - Her voice sounded robotic. She didn't even look at me.

Melly was always animated and talkative but not that time. I decided to leave her alone. My brain was working hard. I finally figured out what to do.

The revenge plan perfectly formed in my head like pieces of jigsaw. How could i give up and let Stahl have his life back,after all he had done. His

victorious grin should be erased for good. And i would be the one to do it.

* * *

\- Harlee,you are just as insatiable as i am...- Stahl's voice echoed in my ears. I opened my eyes to see him sitting on the couch in my appartment.I

could see how relaxed he seemed while his eyes were burning. My apartment looked so real. Everything was in it's place except for Stahl. He was

totally out of place.

\- I want to heal you... - I said mockingly. A new rush of confidence rose in me.

\- Oh,that's amazing! - He exclaimed,staring at me with wild excitement.

\- Yes. It's your turn to be saved... - I knew i had to start to battle Stahl in my head,then i would be able to do it in real life.

\- Harlee,but it won't wash off this blood on your hands...- His eyes slid down to my hands.

\- Shit... - I whispered,looking at my hands that were covered in blood.

\- It's a rather usual thing for you,right? Blood is constant in your life. - His sinister tone sent shivers down my spine. I rushed to the bathroom. The

blood on my hands was sticky. I turned on the tap but there was no water.

\- Grab a towel,Harlee. - Stahl was standing behind me, savoring every moment of my torture.

I did what he said and started to rub the blood off my hands. But seemed like it got under my skin. I just couldn't get rid of it.

\- Let me help you... - Stahl walked up to me but i pushed him away and run to the kitchen. I was frantically searching for a bottle of mineral water

or anything liquid.

\- Poor Harlee...- I heard his sarcastic gigle.

\- Shut up. - I hissed through my teeth,pouring orange juice on my hands. It was the only liquid thing that i could find.

\- Try harder... - He was taunting me.

\- I said SHUT UP!- I turned around and threw a bottle at him,but missed. All my efforts to wash away the blood were in vain.

\- Wow!That was so close! - Stahl's face couldn't be more appalling. His malicious joy was nauseating.

\- You know what! I'm ok with it! Yes!There's blood on my hands!Let it be! - I just had to stop that panic attack. Stahl wasn't going to see me like

that anymore.

\- That's right...own it,Harlee...- He came closer to me with a strange look on his face.

\- I'm not afraid of you... - I balled up my fists,trying to stop my hands from shaking. Stahl slowly took my left hand,not breaking eye contact with

me,and put it to his lips. I could hear his loud and warm breathing.

\- You're a psycho...- I mumbled with mixture of shock and disgust.

\- I can wash it away,Harlee... - Stahl whispered passionately and licked my hand.

\- Stop it! - I tried to pull back my hand but his grip was too strong.

\- Let me... - His eyes were changing into a pair of black bottomless pits. It was a dark desire that Stahl hid from people around him. No one could

imagine that altar boy to have that kind of side.

\- No... - I whimpered,feeling trapped in his stare.

Stahl snarled and took my forefinger into his mouth. I felt like my body was set on fire.

\- Stahl,stop! - I whispered,trying to block out a strange rush of pleasure that Stahl gave me. My body was betraying me.

He stopped and slowly pull out my finger from his mouth. It was white,no blood stains.

I woke up in a cold sweat,vibrating like a string. My mind was so confused and lost. What was happening to me?

* * *

The next day i spent waiting for Woz and thinking about the possible outcomes of my plan. Melly acted normal for herself. She talked a lot about

everything but i couldn't believe in her stories anymore. The time always moves so slowly,when you are waiting for something to happen. But the

fear that i acquired was getting worse. I was so tired of nightmares. Every night i would have another torture. I had to get rid of Stahl. Maybe my

recovery needed to start with his ultimate fall or even...death in real life.

\- Harlee... - Woz opened his arms to hug me as tight as he could. He looked very pale and weary.

\- I've missed you so much!How is Christina? - I was so happy to see him but at the same time i felt excruciating pain in my heart for my little girl.

\- She is recovering,Harlee. - Woz avoided my anxious stare.

\- Christina doesn't want to see me...will she ever forgive me? - It wasn't the question for Woz. I asked myself.

\- She will...i'm sure...Harlee,i need to be discreet,please,pay attention to what i'm gonna say. - He started to whisper so noone could hear us.

I nodded.

\- I can get you out of here...we can arrange an escape for you. You will cross the border. - Woz took my hand and i could feel how nervous he was.

\- Escape? And live like a scam for the rest of my life. No...i have a better idea...i will fix this.I need your help. - Woz's suggestion sounded really

enticing but i couldn't let myself become a fugitive.

\- What do you have in mind? - He squinted his green eyes.

\- You need to spread the word about my mental breakdown. Just make sure that everyone knows how bad i'm now. - I was so excited to finally get

down to the first stage of my plan.

\- Harlee,what's the reason? - Woz was staring at me with evident shock on his face.

\- I need Stahl to know that I'm completely crushed. He won't be able to resist temptation to see me like this with his own eyes... - I leaned

over,speaking as quitely as i could. Woz didn't say anything. He was staring at me without blinking as if i hypnotized him.

\- I will catch him,Woz. I need him to believe that i'm helpless and broken and then i will get him talking. - I was enunciating every word like a

teacher with well-prepared speech.

\- Harlee,i think we have to forget about him and concentrate on your life. - His dry and stern voice sounded unfamiliar.

\- Woz,i can't breathe freely,knowing that he is out there with his reputation intact...i won't be able to live like this...common,Woz. - I put my hand on his.

\- His reputation isn't clean,Harlee. They've put him in the office. He is doing papers and nothing more. I will get him when the time is right but now

we need to save you. - His piercing green eyes were full of sadness.

\- Woz,my life won't start again without him being locked up.I need you to get me a bug in here.- I was trying to keep my voice quiet but it was

getting harder and harder. I thought that Woz would be on board with me right away.

\- Harlee...i don't want you to jeopardize your life. Stahl is a very dangerous man...and he holds all the cards. - Woz pulled back his hand.

\- You tell me! I know him better than anybody else! If someone takes him down,it will be me! - I raised my voice,desperately trying to convince my only ally.

\- Harlee,listen...i start to think that they are right about your obsession with him. - His words fell on me like a ton of bricks.

\- Woz,what are you talking about?! - I mumbled,staring at him in disbelief.

\- I'm talking about your behavior. The therapy should help you,Harlee...- Woz slowly stood up,leaving me speechless.

\- Woz! - I tried to grab his hand but he moved away as if i disgusted him.

\- No,Harlee. You really need help. - He walked out,slamming the door behind him.

I froze in place,staring down at the table. Suddenly i was deafened by loud applause.

\- That was so heartbreaking to watch! I've almost shed a tear...- Stahl's voice sounded unusually cheerful.

\- Prick! - I hit the table in agony.

\- Harlee...- He made a mockingly reproachful face. Stahl was wearing the same suit that he wore in court.

\- It's so much fun to watch your despair and fear in a full display...you doubt that Woz will help you...poor Harlee. - I wished that his tightly adjusted tie would suffocate him.

\- Go to Hell! - I jumped up,flipping the table.

\- Wow!This's impressive! - Stahl was getting more and more excited.

\- I'm going to kill you! - I run up to him and punched him right in his pale face.

\- Don't hurt me,Detective! - He cried in a high-pitched voice to piss me off even more.

I kicked him in his groin with all my much i wanted to see him in pain!

\- It's not enough...Harlee... - He hunched down before me but didn't show any signs of suffering from my punch. Stahl's eyes were glimmering with

excitement.

\- I will get to you,Stahl...i will... - I was short of breath and felt dizzy. It seemed like i was falling.

I woke up in the room, vibrating from Melly's snoring.

* * *

-Harlee,i was in love with my neighbour...he was 15 and i was 16. First love,you know. Noone knew that i loved him. Even he didn't know about my

feelings.I was fat and ugly while he was a popular boy at was too good for me... - Melly was swallowing pieces of an apple pie that looked

like mashed potatoes. I wasn't really listen to what she was saying but the last sentence caught my attention.

\- He was too good for me... - I mumbled,imagining James's beautiful face.

\- It was sick love. I couldn't breathe without seeing him every day. He was always greeting me but it was just his good manners. When he started

dating one of cheerleaders,my heart broke into pieces...- Melly was a good storyteller. But her joyfull face gave away the lies that she was trying to

sell me.

\- Melly,what was his name? - I couldn't listen to her fairytale anymore.

\- His name was...Martin... - She looked up at the ceiling, making up a name right on the spot with a little hesitation.

\- Cool... - I stood up,leaving my breakfast untouched.

* * *

\- Come in,Harlee. - Doctor Gleeson was adjusting one of the pictures on the wall.

I walked in and sat in the armchair in complete silence.

\- Do you want some tea?- He examined me and got to conclusion that i was in a bad mood.

\- No,thank you... - I politely declined with a pocker face.

\- I assume you're having a bad day. Let's talk about something that bothers you. - His eyes in glasses seemed like two binoculars that were

watching my every move.

\- I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new life...- I wanted to tell him the whole truth but i knew that it would be in vain.

\- I think it's more than that. - Doctor's delicate voice started to annoy me.

\- Doctor,i told you that it's all new for me ...Also i have nightmares - My headache was so severe that i had hard time keeping my eyes opened.

\- Nightmares. How can you describe them? - He started to dig like all psychiatrists do.

\- They are draining and confusing...i'm afraid to fall asleep...- I closed my eyes,resting my head against the back of the armchair.

\- You see different scenarious or just one? - Doctor's voice became distant.

\- Different but he is always there...- Stahl's face popped up in my mind and opened my eyes.

\- You are constantly in contact with him because right now you can't imagine your life without him,so he's not here with you in reality and you bring

him into your dreams to fill the void. - Doctor was talking smoothly with evident pleasure. He felt like he was cracking a hard nut.

\- I guess so...- I gave him a bitter grin.

\- In these nightmares you feel helpless or you can control the situation? - His questions were getting more precise.

\- Mostly helpless...but sometimes i can regain my confidence...and do something... - I mumbled much i hated my weakness.

\- You are in confrontation with him in your dreams. What bothers you the most about him? - Doctor was carefully taking notes.

\- The most painful thing for me is to know that he is out there...without me...with somebody else...- I mixed the truth with a grain of lie,so my

Doctor could analyze my obsession.

\- Jealousy...- He savored that word like a candy.

\- I need to get rid of this constant craving for him...- My voice sounded whiny enough to make it sound credible.

\- Of course,Harlee. Don't worry...i'm here to do just to avoid talking to him in your dreams. Just ignore. - The Doctor was excited to give

me his treatment. His face was glowing with genuine kindness. That made me feel bad for lying to him but i had to,like i always did.

* * *

When i returned to my room,Melly wasn't there. It was something that i wanted - to be alone. But i was worried for my strange roommate.

I was waiting for her but she wasn't coming back. When the young nurse visited me,I asked her about Melly.

\- She will be back soon. - Blondie smiled at me and rushed out of the room.

I knew that something was wrong but what could i do?

* * *

\- Detective Santos. - I heard Stahl's voice. It didn't surprise me anymore.

I opened my eyes. He was sitting infront of me. I instantly recognized the room. It was my first interrogation right after FBI caught me red-handed.

\- How do you feel? - Stahl's voice was tender and low.

Right before i was about to open my mouth to cuss him out,I remembered Doctor's advice to ignore him.

\- Everything started here. - He stood up slowly,not letting me out of his sight. I froze in place,trying to look away.

\- You keep silence,Harlee...that's something new - Stahl was standing like a monument with his usual confidence and pride. My hands started to

shake just from hearing his voice. Stahl's presence was oppressive.

\- Harlee... - Stahl hummed my name,smiling at me. He seemed amuzed by my unusual behavior.

He walked right up to me. I supressed the urge to look up at him. Instead i kept my head down.

-You can't ignore me...- Stahl's whisper sent shivers down my spain.

I closed my eyes,desperately trying to stop my hands from shaking.

\- My poor Harlee...keep fighting... - He shifted to the back and stood behind me.

I started shivering from head to toe. It was uncontrolable reaction of my body. But i managed to keep my eyes shut. Suddenly I felt his hands on

my shoulders. Stahl was trying to make me react.

\- Go on...- His malicious chuckle cut me like a knife,but i surpressed an urge to jump up.

His hands slowly drifted to my neck,tenderly caressing my skin. I felt nausea kicking in.

\- Open your eyes,Harlee...talk to me...- Stahl's hands travelled up and dug in my hair. I was so close to losing my composure. My body was

twitching like he electrified me with his touch.

\- Common... - Stahl exhaled in my ear. I felt completely trapped. And it was all in my head.

\- Maybe you want me to go further... - He hissed with supressed rage and pulled my hair back,inflicting pain. I whimpered but stayed still.

\- Amazing,Harlee...- He abruptly took his hands off me. I heard his voice in a distance like he was finally leaving.

Silence was soothing and i managed to regain control of my shaking hands. I slowly opened my eyes and found myself in my appartment. My heart

ached as i thought about my Christina. She must be here somewhere. I wanted to see her so badly at least in my dream. The first urge was to go to

her room but i heard lustful moans coming from my bedroom. I opened the light was off.

\- Robert...- My mind couldn't process the similarity between mine and that woman's voice.

\- Say it again... - Stahl's silhouette was laying on a woman while she was impatiently moving under him.

\- Robert...please... - It was my voice. The realization hit me and i frantically switched on the light.

Stahl looked at me with no surprise on his face. The woman under him covered her face.

\- I'm so glad that you're here...Harlee... - He was wearing only his black pants. The expression on his pale face told me that he liked my reaction.

\- Come in. Make yourself at home... - Stahl stood up,showing me his vile grin. I rushed to the woman, laying in my bed.

\- Harlee,don't be jealous...- He was laughing at me.

\- Look at me! - I grabbed and shook that woman to see who she was. The wig slid off.

\- Please don't hurt me... - Gina was looking at me with tears in her hazel eyes.

I froze in place,finding myself squeezing her shoulders too tight.

\- Let her go,Harlee...she is nothing to worry about anymore. - I heard female voice behind me.

I turned back and saw Katie Myers standing in the black lingerie next to Stahl. It was the same lingerie that he put on me,when i was tied up to the chair.

\- Katie,he will ruin you!Listen to me!- The dam broke and i couldn't do anything. I rushed to her but Stahl stepped forward, not letting me get close

to Katie.

\- Harlee,she is just my temporary toy...don't worry...you the one for me...- Stahl whispered, suggestively touching my сheek. His cold blue eyes were on fire.

\- Get out! - I screamed at the top of my lungs right in his face,pushing him in his chest.

\- Restrain Careful. - While i was punching my way out of that nightmare,i heard voices.

\- Minimal dose. - Unfamiliar female voice was distant.I felt a needle in my arm. I opened my eyes and saw two nurses standing above me.

\- Stop! - My mind was too confused to understand what was happening.

\- You need to calm down. - One of the nurses held me down to the bed while the other one injected something in my veins.

\- No...no...- Instantly i started to lose consciousness,falling back in my darkness.


	12. Chapter 12

**_Thank you so much for your Reviews!It means so much to me!Your feedback keeps me inspired))Let me know what you think)_**

* * *

I was floating somewhere between reality and drug haze . While i was laying helpless on the bed,i heard voices around me,discussing my treatment. How badly i

wanted to escape the reality,my imprisonment in that psyc ward and just come back to my daughter. Tell her my story without lying,without avoiding uncomfortable

questions. But i was stuck. And the worst part of it was that i lost something very important. The special ingredient that made me Harlee Grace Santos. I was missing

a part of me. Stahl took it away from me. He made me live in fear. I had to take it back.

\- She is waking up. Be quiet. - Distant voice sounded a lot like Dr. Gleeson's.

\- Harlee,you are returning to us. - I felt his soft touch on my forehead.

\- Water...- My mouth was dry and i couldn't speak.

\- Here...- Doctor gave me a glass of water but i was too weak to hold it myself,so he helped me.

\- What happened? Why did you drug me?- My eyes were adjusting to the light.

\- You were screaming,Harlee. And we couldn't calm you down. - Doctor Gleeson looked at me with tenderness.

\- I couldn't ignore him...he is too strong... - Tears started to flow down my face.

\- It's ok,Harlee...i didn't expect you to do it right away...it takes more than one try...- Doctor's smooth voice was lulling me.

\- I need to see Woz... ...- I mumbled,desperately trying to skake off a drug haze.

\- Next week,Harlee. Now you need to be in total peace. - He slowly stood up,nodding to a nurse.

\- No,please!Doctor Gleeson,seeing him will help me! Please! - I caught his hand like a drowning person would grab a lifeboat.

\- Harlee,i've been down this road many time. Your roommate Melinda's condition has worsened too. Harlee,it's a setback but we will work it out. - He gently pulled

my hand away.

\- Listen to me!I need to see Lt. Wozniak!It's urgent! - I couldn't supress myself,despair and anger boiled over.

\- Harlee,i'll visit you a rest. - Doctor looked at me with sadness and understanding and walked out.

\- No!Stop drugging me!No!- Two nurses came up to me again. I was helpless. My body was too drained and weak to fight.

The syringe with sedative was ready to put me to sleep. Never in a million years i could imagine myself in that position where i was like a cagged

animal. I was falling into drug induced dream. I couldn't run away,hide or fight.

* * *

Someone was humming a song.

\- What a difference a day made...twenty-four little hours...

I wanted to open my eyes but my eyelids seemed to be glued.

-Brought the sun and the flowers...Where there used to be rain - Soft female voice became louder.

\- Please... - I was completely dehydrated.

\- Oh!You're awake. Here drink some. And i have some food too. - I finally recognized the voice of that young blond nurse.

She held a glass of water to my lips. It felt like life flowing into my body again. Only when you are thirsty like that,you understand how tasty the water can be.

\- I really feel bad for you,Harlee. - I heard her sympathetic remark. My eyes finally opened and i saw her fresh glowing face. I was sure that my face looked awful.

Probably that's why she said it.

\- What's your...name? - I couldn't recognize my voice. It was so raspy and low.

\- Samantha.- She hesitated little bit.

\- How long was i asleep,Samantha? - I was scared to know the answer.

\- Almost 12 hours. But it's for the better. Right now you need to eat. - Blondie took a plate with some kind of mushrooms and porridge.

\- Now i don't have any energy in me so i guess it's a good thing for my treatment. - I felt humiliated and degraded.

\- You will regain it,but you have to keep quiet so it won't happen again. - She started feeding me like i was a mushrooms tasted like a rubber.

\- You know,i think that it's not your can be so cruel and heartless to us. They are like animals...- Blondie had beautiful blue eyes. The same warm shade of blue that

James had.

\- Not every man is like this...- I mumbled,remembering his broad and sincere smile.

\- Oh,but your man has driven you are here and he is out there having fun...- Her words brought me out of my contemplating about James. Stahl's pale face popped

up in my mind.

\- He must be very happy now...- I looked at the porridge that i couldn't make myself eat.

\- It's very unfair. It's all because of love...in Melly's case it was love for her son...- Blondie was talkative like never before.

\- What happened to her son? - I was stunned by new information.

\- As far as i know,she had a son and he was a member of a street gang. He became a criminal,hurt many people. When police came to arrest him,they found him

dead...and Melly was holding him in her arms. She was cuddling him like he was still alive... - Blondie talked quetly so noone would hear it.

\- Someone killed her son infront of her...- My heart ached for Melly.

\- She killed him. - Blondie stood up and adjusted her hair.

\- Her own son... - I couldn't believe that someone like Melly could hurt somebody, let alone her own child.

\- She completely erased her memory of him...and in rare moments when she remembers him,it ends up with her having a stroke. - I felt goosebumps running down

my spine from everything that the nurse told me about my smiley roommate. It was shoking.

\- Some cases are incurable but i think that _you can be healed_. - Her relaxed posture and soft voice made me feel comfortable,but the second she

said " _you can be healed_ " my mind shut down. How many time i heard it from Stahl.

\- I will take you for a walk. You need some fresh air. - Blondie smiled at me encouragingly.

* * *

The yard looked well-groomed but it was empty - 2 bushes and a couple of little were women with nurses,walking in circles. Every single one of them had the same

vacant expressions on their faces. Medication worked shells of people who lost their lives. I didn't want to end up like them.I had to do something and i needed to

hurry up. I asked Samantha to tell Dr. Gleeson that i wanted to talk to him. I made sure that she saw my readiness to be treated.

\- I'm glad that you want to make a progress,Harlee. - Doctor was sipping his favorite tea.

\- Yes. I want to get better. - I sat down,feeling like i could do or say anything just to convince him that i can see Woz.

\- Well,let's start. What is the most precious thing in your life? - He stood up,coming closer to me.

\- My daughter. - I said without any hesitation.

\- Tell me about her...- Doctor slowly took off his glasses.

\- She is smart,beautiful,witty,kind and honest...very loving...she is my heart.- It was hard for me to steady my breathing. Only one thought of Christina and i started

to crumble.

\- She is your reflection,isn't she? - His little hazel eyes were piercing me.

\- No...Christina is better than me...- I closed my eyes,imagining her beautiful face.

\- Does she know about your tribulations? - Doctor's voice was soft and comforting but the questions were hitting my weak spots.

\- After my arrest...all at once. - I scratched my head.

\- So she wasn't aware of your obsession. - He put on his glasses again.

\- I was ashamed of it. I couldn't let her know about it. - Half truth as usual from Harlee Grace Santos.

\- I understand. Who is close to you?Who do you consider your friend?- Doctor was digging deeper.

\- Wozniak. He is like a father to me... always has my back. - I missed Woz so badly.

\- So Lt. Wozniak became the first man in your life who took care of you without using any violence... - Doctor was thinking out loud. He sat down and poured himself another cup of tea.

\- Yes. I never had anybody to stand up for me...Never knew my biological father,my mother didn't really wanted me...i was an accident for her.- It

was hard to open up. My life taught me to hide everything,to keep my mouth shut about my past.

\- You wanted to be loved desperately,Harlee... this's the root of your obsessive tendencies. - Doctor Gleeson opened his big notebook and wrote something there with

his face glowing with victory. I nodded,thinking about Stahl. Everything starts in childhood. He had a messed up one for sure. I needed to know about Stahl's

background.

\- I want to see the only person that cared for me...please,let me see him tomorrow. - Tears started falling,without me trying hard to push them out.

Doctor looked at me,examining my face .

\- It's a major step forward in our ,i always encourage my people when they are open to treatment. So i'll give you this opportunity. - He finally answered hesitantly. It

was rather comical to see him giving me a long answer instead of short and concise.

\- Thank you so much. I really want to get better. - I wipped away the tears and smiled at him with gratitude.

* * *

I had to go through one more night till i saw Woz. Without medication i knew that another nightmare would be inevitable. I was afraid to fall asleep, deciding to

distract myself. I was pinching myself,even talking to myself.

\- Melly...i miss my roommate. Her loud snorring would help me right now... - I was walking in circles like a loonatic.

\- Dammit! - I could hardly keep my eyes open.

Suddenly i heard a knock on the door. I froze in place. The door slowly opened but no one came in.

\- Who is there? - Cold sleazy fear crawled in my mind.

The silence answered me. I made one step to the door. It was pitch dark.

\- Melly? - I mumbled the first thing that popped up in my distraught head.

I felt cold breeze from the darkness outside the door. Nothing is scarier than the silence in combination with darkness.

\- Who's there! - I finally managed to come to the door.

\- _I can be whoever you want it to be_... - Stahl's grinning face appeared from darkness.

\- Of course it's _you_..who else... - I felt kind of a strange relief when i saw Stahl.

\- May i come in? - His voice had that special undertone.

\- You'll come in anyway... - I sat down on the bed.

\- Well...actually you could try to kick me out. - Stahl slowly walked in,holding his head up high.

\- I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm done... - I shook my head in despair.

\- Really? That's so _unlike_ you. - He stopped before the window,looking around the room like he was searching for something.

\- I'll get you here in reality. You will come to visit me...- I mumbled quietly.

\- I bet it's something that you are waiting for such a long time...you miss me,Harlee... - Stahl looked at me with his cold blue eyes,that were glimmering in a dark room.

\- You wish... - I hemmed with disgust.

\- Deep inside you know it's true. - Stahl sat down right next to me. I felt his presence like it was happening in reality.

\- I just need closure...justice...- I looked at him without fear. It was the first time that his nearness didn't make me shake or cringe.

\- So...it means that you want justice to be served only in my case and you want to be set free... - Stahl's voice sounded deeper than usual.

I hesitated with an answer. His snaky eyes were so close.

\- Harlee,we're both sinners and there's no meaning in justice,if you get away with everything that you've done...while i will be locked up...- He was calm and serious.

There was no shade of malice or anger. Stahl was _talking_ to me. For the first time he wasn't taunting me. It struck me to the core.

\- I need you to be locked up to feel safe...to feel that i'm whole again...and then i will figure out what to do with my own self...- My mind was in two different places -

i wanted to be fair,but my selfish vengeance was taking over. I hated the fact,that Stahl was challenging me with his words.

\- Oh,Harlee. Tomorrow you will get to see your only hope. Let's see how he will help you...i'm waiting for the final round...- Stahl touched my hand, slowly tracing the

line from my wrist to the tips of my fingers. I didn't push him away or pull my hand back. It felt like a gesture of reconciliation.

My head was clear enough to understand the irony of it. The first dream that wasn't full of malicious banter and fighting. Stahl seemed like a _normal human_ and

not a monster.

\- The final showdown, _Agent Stahl_. - I whispered,looking at his hand that he put right next to mine.


	13. Chapter 13

The morning came and my excitement went through the roof. I knew that if Woz agreed,my plan could be successful. For the first time in a week,i looked at myself in

the mirror. Just like i thought my appearance reflected what a horrible time i had lately. My eyes were sunken in,under eye bags looked huge on my exhausted face.

Curly hair was messed up as never before and desperately needed to be brushed. I did everything that i could to put myself together before the nurse came in. I

jumped up and followed her to the visitor's room. Woz was sitting at a little square table. He stood up as soon as he saw me. His green eyes were glowing with love. I

rushed to his open arms. We stood like that for a minute or so. It felt like home. Safe and cozy. I didn't have to say a word. Woz knew how much i missed him.

\- Harlee,it was a real test for me. I so got used to have you by my side. - He was holding my hand tightly.

\- You tell me. I'm here completely helpless without you. - I was staring at Woz,searching for new wrinkles and new grey like we spent years apart.

\- Well,Christina is getting better. I think she will visit you soon - Woz knew the question that i would ask first and didn't hesitate to let me know. I was sure that

Christina was safe with him.

\- Thank you...what would i do without you?! - My gratitude for his care and support was overwhelming.

\- I love her as much as i love you... - He squeezed my hand tighter.

\- I know. Woz,i need to talk to you about...Stahl... - I was afraid that Woz would react like he did in my nightmare.

\- Harlee,i keep my eye on him. We don't let him out of sight. This prick is on my radar. - His face changed when Stahl's name came up.

\- What is he up to? I know that Katie Myers is having an affair with him... - I exhaled with relief. Woz was on my side.

\- Yeah,Stahl doesn't waste his time. She is having his back. But i checked if he returned to FBI. He got demoted to a police officer. - Woz's voice sounded low and

angry. He hated Stahl as much as i did.

\- Police officer...what a joke...Woz,can you spread the word about me having a mental breakdown.I want him to know about it. He won't resist temptation to see me

like this...bring me a bug...- I whispered conspiratorially,leaning forward to my ally.

\- I knew that you had a plan for him... - After a short pause,Woz gave me his special grin. My doubts vanished.

* * *

No words could express how happy i was. Hope filled me up. I knew that Woz would be efficient. My mind was going through possible scenarios of how my plan would

work out. I tried to be positive. Maybe it would take more than one visit from Stahl to get him talking. But i was ready to take risks. Time is moving so slow,when you

are waiting for something important to happen.

* * *

Melly returned one day later. She looked totally unfazed by a stroke. Only her weight loss showed her health problems.

\- Oh,Doctor Gleeson was so nice to me!He let me have a vacation. How is your treatment going? - Melly was talkative as usual. And i had to admit that i was glad to

see her.

\- It's going as well as yours. - I chuckled,looking at Melly's efforts to find her favorite brush.

\- I hope so! You have so much life in you!There's no need to waste it here. - Her voice sounded cheerful opposite to what she was saying. I felt a stinging feeling in

my chest. Melly was a lost soul.

* * *

The night came. Strangely i didn't feel scared anymore.

\- It's getting boring,Harlee... - Stahl was sitting at Woz's desk.

\- Only for you. - I looked around the office. How i missed that place. My mind recreated everything perfectly.

\- I want more action. More animosity,tention...rage... - Stahl put his feet on the desk.

\- Common. I think we need a break from that. - I raised the blinds to see if someone was there. Maybe Tess or Tufo.

\- It's just us...as always,Harlee... - Stahl's suave tone was intact.

\- I assume you had a very bad childhood...probably you were an orphan or adopted by neglectful people. - I was thinking outloud. Of course it wasn't real Stahl to

ask him that question.

\- That's something new. You want to know my past...i will surprise you. - He squinted his blue eyes.

\- I'm ready for the most bizarre story. - I came up to him,feeling in control of the situation.

\- Harlee,it's a very dangerous path. Be sure that you want to open my can of worms. - Stahl made a mockingly mysterious face.

\- Oh,i'm sure. I want to know why you are such a control freak...why you have this hair so slick all the time. - I leaned over and reached out to mess up his perfectly

smooth hair.

\- Harlee...- He mumbled,clearly taking off guard by my antic.

\- Loosen up! - I felt like it was a little victory over snobby Stahl. He looked like a school boy with his messy hair.

\- You want to play,Harlee...- He took off his feet from the desk and stood up. I noticed anger in his eyes.

\- I want you out of my head and my life. - I moved back,feeling that maybe my antic was unnecessary.

\- Not happening any time soon. - Stahl was coming at me with menacing stare.

\- I don't wanna fight,Stahl. - I was trying to extinguish the fire that i started.

\- Who is talking about fighting? - His eyes lit up as soon as he saw me backing up.

\- Stahl,just let it go... - I thought that i got rid of fear but i was wrong. My body started to shake.

\- How can i,Harlee. It's too good... - He whispered,reaching out his hand to touch me. I rushed to the door but it was locked.

\- Where are you going,Detective? I thought we were getting along... - Stahl's venom was pouring out of him.

I closed my eyes,resting my forehead against the door. Stahl came too close but i stood still,trying to catch my breath.

\- Harlee,you always play this game with me...throwing a bait and then running away...- His warm breath burned my neck.

My legs were shaking though i was trying to ignore Stahl's nearness.

\- You think that you can get away from me. But i'm always here...in your head...- I felt his ice-cold hands on my waist,slowly sliding under my blouse.

\- What's wrong,Harlee? Cat got your tongue? - Stahl was clearly taking his time with that torture. I closed my eyes.

\- You won't break me...no matter what you do. - I muttered through my teeth,standing motionlessly.

\- Really? - He hissed in my ear and slid his hands up to my chest.

\- One thing i know about you...is that you are not a rapist. - My heart was racing,giving away my fear.

Stahl exhaled abruptly and stopped. I opened my eyes,feeling like i got to him.

\- It seems like we can't surprise each other anymore... - Stahl's voice was deliberately tender. He moved back and i could finally breathe freely.

\- Well,you can't know a person completely. There are always hidden talents waiting to be shown. - I turned around and gave Stahl a fake smile. I desperately wanted

to look strong and confident.

\- I guess we about to show each other some new tricks. - He returned the same sarcastic that moment Stahl resembled a wolf who was right before the fatal jump on

it's prey.

* * *

Melly came back very excited after her session with Dr. Gleeson. It seemed like he told her that she would be released tomorrow.

\- I want to buy him a present for everything that he did for me!Doctor Gleeson is such a good person. - She sat down on a bed with a big happy smile on her face. It

made me sick to my stomach.

\- Melly,do you have anyone outside who is waiting for you? - I wanted to see real Melinda.

\- Yeah,of course...- She looked at me with a familiar expression. The same one people have when they are caught off guard and say the most normal and standard

thing.

\- Melly...i have a daughter. She is the only one that i live and fight for. - It was cruel but i needed to push the right button.

\- She must be as beautiful as her mother... - She mumbled,after a brief glimpse of fear in her eyes. I could see how Melly was fighting to keep her wide smile on her

face.

\- Do you have kids,Melly? - I knew i had to stop torturing her,but something was driving me further. Maybe i just missed interrogating people,making them tell the

truth.

\- Yeah,many kids. I worked as a nanny for 10 years. I love children. - Melly's face looked like a mask and her smile turned into a scarry grimace.

\- Melly,did you have a favorite? - I came closer to her.

\- I had to be unbiased. A good nanny should love every child the same. - She shook her head like i asked something humiliating.

\- You shoudn't show that you have a favorite but deep inside you know who it was,right? it must have been a boy? - I was standing right infront of her, examining the

galore of emotions in her big hazel eyes replacing each other one by one: despair, fear, rage, shock, confusion, pain.

\- No!No,not true...- Her lips started to quiver spasmodically.

\- Melly,what was his name? - I was pushing harder,because she was about to crack.

\- I didn't have a favorite!I was a good nanny! - Melly jumped up to the window,covering her ears.

\- Melly,you can't be treated untill you accept the truth and what you did! Don't lie to yourself! - I was so close to getting to her.

\- I loved my kids!Every single one of them! - She started to scream at the top of her lungs.

\- You had a son! What happened to him? - I turned her around and saw the tears running down her face.

\- I couldn't have children!I'm infertile! - She slid down on the floor,making up another story of her life.

\- What's going on here? - I heard the blond nurses's high voice.

\- We were talking. - That was all i could say. Two male nurses walked up to Melly and took her out.

\- You told her something about her son? - Samantha didn't even try to hide her reproachful tone.

\- It's not a treatment for her if she still lives in her made up world. - I really wanted to help Melly,but i took it too far.

\- Leave it to Doctor Gleeson. - Blondie tilted her head with a stern look on her small pale face.

She walked out. I sat down on the bed,thinking about the reason for my antic with Melly. It was very cruel to put her through it. Why did i do that?

* * *

After a lunch Samantha came back to take me to Doctor Gleeson.

\- Harlee,you know why you're here. - For the first time i saw him upset.

\- I know. And i'm sorry. - I felt like a schoolgirl.

\- You decided to break her barriers. It's something you can't do with Melinda. - He was nervously rubbing his hands.

\- She lives in delusion and i wanted to help her. I've made a mistake. - My voice cracked,exposing my emotional state.

\- Your intentions were good but you didn't think about Melly in that moment. You thought about yourself,Harlee. - He was looking at me judgementally.

\- She is in a bubble of lies...you let her live like this. - I started to defend my point of view.

\- You feel that the same thing can be said about you,Harlee. - Doctor's tone was cold and stern.

He left me speechless.

\- Harlee,you projected your own case on Melly. But i'm not angry with you. I'm just upset. After our major step forward...- Doctor scratched his head with

disappointment.

\- No,Doctor Gleeson...i just had a nightmare with...him. He hurt me again... - I had to come up with something as fast as i could.

\- Sit down and tell me about it. - Doctor glanced at the armchair.

\- I saw him...he was so indifferent to me. - My brain was generating a new lie.

\- He rejected you again. Harlee,what is the ideal picture of your relantionship with him? - Dr. Gleeson opened his notebook.

\- Never really thought about it...i was always in the process but i didn't plan a result. - My mind went back to the house where Stahl kept me tied up. I remembered

his reaction when i asked him about what he was going to do with me. And he didn't know.

\- Maybe Happily ever after? Family with couple of kids? - He was examining my face with professional precision.

\- Well...I always knew that it wouldn't be happily ever after...it couldn't be. I just wanted to have him...possess him. That was one way road. I was aware of bad

outcome but i just couldn't stop. - It felt so horribly wrong to talk from Stahl's perspective.

\- It's a free fall. That moment before you hit the ground. You block that thought about the final moment and concentrate on falling. It's intoxicating - Dr. Gleeson was

giving me another resolution about my obsession.

\- Yes. I can risk it all for this moment. - I mumbled,staring down on the floor. All i could think about was Stahl's inability to resist temptation to see me again and my

inability to give up.


	14. Chapter 14

Melinda came back the next day. Her eyes were vacant. I felt guilt filling me up from the inside. Melly lay down,facing the wall. I had nothing to say. In that moment i

wish i was mute and it would keep me from hurting people.

* * *

I couldn't get no sleep. My thoughts were in complete disarray. I was staring at the ceiling,trying to figure out why i ended up that way. My life was such rollercoaster

from the day i was born.

\- Why is everything about you? - Stahl's quiet voice seemed louder than ever.

I opened my eyes and saw him sitting right infront of me. We were in the same cafe,where i hit him as hard as i could before his boss-Baker. The only difference was

that cafe was empty.

\- Because i'm egotistical... - I whispered irritably.

\- Yes,you are...Harlee. - Stahl sipped coffee,frowning at me.

\- I remember the moment of satisfaction...that precious look on your face when you got caught right here. - Malice took over me.

\- Oh,Harlee,and i savored every second in the court...i crashed you...- He emphasized every word,spitting it in my face.

Somehow that hateful exchange made me laugh. I started to giggle uncontrollably.

\- Harlee... - Stahl hissed reproachfully through his teeth.

\- I just can't stop thinking about...one thing...why you were the agent that was assigned to my deal...why it had to be...why... - I still couldn't stop giggling

hysterically.

\- Justice...it happenes that i'm the only one who could get you,Harlee...- Stahl's voice became soft as silk. I could notice even some kind of tenderness in his tone.

\- Your favorite topic...perverted justice of Agent Stahl... - I finally caught my breath and looked right in his cold blue eyes.

\- Harlee,why don't you call me by my name...i remember that the only time you used my name was when you needed something from me...some favor...- His face

was ghostly pale, while his eyes burned up with mischief.

\- Yeah,but you won't hear it again...never again...- I hissed with anger. Disgusting memories of that time i spent tied up in his house filled my mind.

I remembered how i tried to get to his conscience by calling him "Robert". The worst day of my life.

\- Never say never. - He exhaled and stood up from the table. Stahl walked out of the cafe. If i could kill him in my dreams. If only i could...

* * *

-Melly?! - I woke up and saw Melinda's shadow standing above me. It was dark in the room so i couldn't see her face.

\- I had a son. - She mumbled emotionlessly.

\- What? - I was completely smitten.

\- You were laughing in your sleep...i wish i could have some nice dreams like this. - Melly's tone was distant and indifferent.

\- It was another nightmare...my nerves got the best of me... - I whispered,trying to see her face.

\- He was so smart...i could pay for his university. I could... he would become a doctor or a lawyer. He was so smart... - Melinda slowly shuffled to her bed.

\- What was his name? - I sat up,completely awaken.

\- Maximillian..." _long ass name,Mom_ " he used to say. - Melly's voice started to get louder.

\- Rare and beautiful name... - I was afraid to ask the main question.

\- I always saw him as an Angel...my only child. I dreamed about him. My husband left us for another woman...my sister. She was always so caring... We had a tough

childhood and we had to stand up for each other like sisters should...sisters should. - Melly's mumbling was fast and i had hard time keeping up with the

information,that she was pouring on me.

\- I'm so sorry,Melly... - My heartbeat was pounding in my ears.

\- " _It's all your fault! Dad left us because of you_ " he would scream at me. He hated me and...he loved his father so much that he couldn't blame him for anything. His

father was his hero...he used to be such a good boy...- Melinda's shoulderes were shuddering.

\- What happened,Melly? - I finally asked.

\- He was doing everything opposite of what i taught him...rebelling against all the rules and morals... he wanted to hurt me...and it hurt like hell. - Melinda's voice

was unstable,shaky and raspy.

\- I understand. Teenage years...almost everyone goes through it. - I was trying to comfort her.

\- No...it was different. He became violent and cruel. The more i tried to be kind and loving,the more he was aggresive...one time he spit on me...right in my face. He

was such a good boy...why... - She started to choke on her tears.

\- Melly... - I stood up and sat down next to her,taking her cold shaky hand.

\- Police came to my house...It was friday. I used to cook his favorite apple pie on Friday. These men told me that my son was in the gang. My son!- Melinda jumped

up and rushed to the window like she was gasping for air.

\- I didn't know what to do. He was beating,racketeering people...i tried to talk to him...therapy sessions with psycologists... but it was all in vain... I couldn't

recognize my son anymore. I called his...father and i begged him...i cried for help..." _You failed him,Melinda. What can i do now?_ "... - She was stuttering nervously.

I could feel shivers down my spine.

\- It was Sunday...i remember...i bought some bread and vegetables. When i came in,i heard the noise of a washing mashine...it was so loud... He was standing at the

kitchen sink... He had a knife in his hands...my son was washing blood from the knife...- Melinda was franticly shaking.

\- He hurt someone... - I mumbled quitely.

\- I tried to get him talking but he just screamed profanity and left...2 days later police came in again...they...told me - She was choking on tears.

\- Melly,sit down...please...- I came up to her and took her hands.

\- Harlee,listen!They told me...he killed 2 kids...children of the leader of a rival gang...kids...two kids,Harlee... - Her voice cracked like a broken string. Melly grabbed

me by my shoulders. Her face was distorted by grief and horror.

\- I'm so sorry! - I could feel her pain. It was so palpable.

\- I couldn't believe it...i just refused to believe...he was nowhere to be found...my son...3 days later i woke up at night...i heard someone shuffling.

He was eating at the table like nothing happened...I...started begging him to tell me the truth...he was smiling...smiling..." _Mom,you will cover me._

 _Just say that i was here that day with you. You love me,right? I'm your son no matter what_ "...I couldn't...i was speechless..." _Just like i thought_ "... he came up to me

with so much malice in his eyes...I couldn't breathe... - Melly slid dwon on the floor in agony.

I was right next to her,holding her tightly. Tears were streaming down my face.

\- He wasn't...my Maximillian...it was a stranger...evil stranger...I...I...- Melinda rested her head on my shoulder,shaking hysterically.

\- Tell me,Melly! - I knew she needed it.

\- He turned to go to his room and...i took a knife...i stabbed him...my son...i killed my son! - She cried in immense agony.

\- Shh...i'm here for you...Melly... - I hugged her as tight as i could. My heart ached for that poor woman. I was cuddling her,while she was finally facing her pain and

grief.

I don't know how much time passed. Melly fell asleep on my shoulder. My mind was consumed by the image of my daughter. My Cristina.


	15. Chapter 15

The morning came and i found myself alone on the floor. Melly was on her bed,brushing her hair. For a moment i thought that her emotional outburst was just my

dream.

\- Melly? - I mumbled,trying to make her look at me.

\- Finally!It's so weird...you were sleeping on the floor. - She chuckled nonchalantly. Right away i could tell that Melly didn't remember what she told me. It was the

same Melly that greeted me,when i was admitted to the psyc ward. I felt my stomach twist and turn.

\- Let's go! It's breakfast time! - Melly jumped up and rushed out of the room.

* * *

I couldn't eat or drink,watching Melly infront of me. She was swallowing that horrible food with joyful look on her face.

\- Why don't you try this sandwich...it's good. - Melly mumbled,resembling a child with her mouth full.

\- Melly...yesterday...do you remember? - I just couldn't help it.

She stopped for a second. I could notice the change in her posture. But Melly didn't look at me. She ignored my question.

\- I guess it was just my dream. - I whispered to myself with sadness and stood up from the table.

I went back to my room,waiting for Woz to come. The only thing that kept me positive somehow.

* * *

\- Harlee,you're looking good! - Woz was greeting me with a smile on his face.

\- Lier... - I hugged him and sat down at the table.

\- Something's wrong? - He frowned with worry.

\- It's just...not a happy place to be. - I gave him a sarcastic grin.

Woz nodded with understanding.

\- Cristina?Will she come here for a visit? - I asked with hope.

\- Not yet,Harlee...it was such a big blow for her...be patient. She is a kid...- Woz touched my hand,briefly glancing at two guards. Two big fellas were watching us

more carefully than they did last time.

\- How is my best friend? - I whispered conspiratorially.

\- I'm sure he knows about you and he will pay you a visit...soon. - Woz winked grimly and looked at the guards again.

\- So how is everything with our precinct? - I smiled as cherfully as i could.

\- Oh,it's all fine. Harlee,do you remember that time Espada got a drug deeler by bugging him!He had M&M'S. - Woz put on a relaxed face on but his eyes were

glimmering.

\- I remember. He ate too much. - I giggled,catching his hint.

\- I got you some too. They checked it and allowed me to give it to you. - Woz slowly took out M&M'S and put it on the table.

\- Oh,thank you... - I exhaled with relief and took them,glancing at guards. They didn't seem bothered at all. My heart was about to jump out of my chest. I had to

admit i missed that thrill.

\- I love you,Harlee. - Woz gave me his special grin.

* * *

I came back to my room with so much hope. How could i ever doubt Woz!He was the best. I opened M&M'S and started to chew them one by one very carefully.

I ate 8 when i finally felt metal on my toungue. It was such a small thing and yet so powerfull. It could save somebody or ruin them with ease.

I remembered how much Stahl loved to wire me and so it was my turn to play that trick with him.

I spent the day contemplating. Melly wasn't coming back to the room but i had too much on my plate,now that i had a bug. I was consumed by thoughts of Stahl. It

started to get dark,when i heard the sound of emergency alarm. I stood up and opened the door. I saw guards running towards the bathroom. My detective instinct

rushed me there.

\- We need CPR!Now! - I heard loud scream.

\- Melly!No!- My heart sank,when i saw my roommate on the floor.

\- Get her out of here! - The head nurse ordered to guards.

\- Melly! - I just wanted to help her. Two strong hands grabbed me and pushed me out.

\- Your girlfriend hung herself on the towel. - I heard stern whisper in my ear.

\- Let me go!I need to see her!Please!It's my fault! - My head was about to explode,while i tried to fight that guard off.

\- Crazy bitch! - He shoved me in my stomach with all his might.

He strapped me to bed and a nurse came in to sedate me. I couldn't stop shaking and screaming. Panic attack took over me. Medication kicked in very fast.

I was falling in a painfully familiar black hole.

* * *

\- Harlee...calm down...don't act like you still can't get used to death...you're a professional... - Through loud buzzing i heard Stahl's suave voice.

\- No...why did she do that...why... - I was trying to see his face but my sight was blurry.

\- Because you wanted to wake her up from sweet madness...and you did...merciless detective...- I felt him getting closer.

\- How could you kill and not feel anything...how do you do that... - I couldn't feel my body.

\- I shut down the guilt. You don't need it,it's just getting in the way...she was doomed from the day she stabbed her son...think about it as an act of kindness...you

put an end to her meaningless existence. - Stahl's warm voice was like poison to my ears.

\- I'm not like you...i can't...be ok...- I felt tears streaming down my face.

\- Shh,Harlee...you're more like me than you want to think... - His presence seemed so real. After a short pause i felt his touch on my cheek.

\- I will get you,Bastard...now i know how... - I hissed through my teeth.

\- Yeah...ofcourse...i will be there soon,Harlee...we will talk...maybe _make up_ \- His mockingly tender tone disgusted every fiber of my being.

\- Sick prick. - I spit with all the malice i had inside.

\- Detective, don't be so tough...it's your desire to see me here.- I saw his blurry face getting closer.

\- Go away! - I cried.

\- It doesn't work like that. - He chuckled and slowly petted my hair.

\- You will be gone...i will lock you up for the rest of your pathetic life. - I mumbled with all the strength i had. My eyes were closing involuntarily and i felt that i was

sleeping into darkness again.

* * *

\- Harlee Grace Santos convicted of multiple counts of first and second degree murder... - Stern and formal female voice rang in my ears. I opened my eyes to see a

white room,resembeling an execution chamber. There was a witness room but i couldn't see who was standing behind glass windows.

\- Subsequently sentenced to death by lethal injection. - The woman in black suit continued. She was facing people in a witness room.

I was trying to move my hands or legs,but i was strapped down.

\- Wait! What's happening? - I couldn't recognize my voice. It was so remote and weak.

\- Ms. Santos,today you will be punished for your major felonies. - The woman turned around and i saw Molly. She looked so different in that black suit with her hair

put back.

\- Melly! - I exclaimed with hope.

\- Just finish her already! - Familar male voice shouted out. I looked at the crowd,that was watching me. Miguel was standing with his face distorted with rage.

\- Dad,stop it. - Cristina held him by his hand.

\- My baby!Cristina! - I sprang up,trying to break free.

\- Calm down,Ms. Santos. Everyone is here to say a final goodbye. - Melly's face was emotionless.

\- Reconcile to your fate and repent your sins... - James's baritone resounded in the room.

\- No!Stop it! - I finally could see everyone in the witness room. There were Cristina,Miguel,Loman,Baker,Caddie,Gina,Saperstein, Bianci,Woz,Tess,Tufo,

Katie Myers. They had so much hate in their eyes. Even Cristina was looking at me with disgust.

\- Woz,help me! - I cried,though the tears were choking me up.

\- Not this time...- I heard snake voice. Stahl's face was above me. His eyes had that familiar scarry malice.

\- It's your trick!Prick! - How much i wanted to break free and beat him to death.

\- It's all you,Harlee...- He grabbed my head and leaned so close that i could see his dilated pupils.

\- Let me go!- I started to shake my head but i was too weak. He was sucking air from me.

\- Relax,Harlee. You will finally find peace...just like your roommate... - Stahl whispered,savoring every word. His lips were almost touching mine. His cold hold was

unbearable. It felt like my head was about to explode from pressure.

\- Your last words? - I heard Melly's stern voice.

\- I'm sorry,Cristina!I'm sorry that i wasn't a better mother! - I screamed at the top of my lungs,feeling the needle in my arm.


	16. Chapter 16

I was floating,dizzy and heavy. My mind was spinning thoughtlessly in circles. I didn't know how much time i spent in that nirvana,when i felt his presence. Stahl was

still there,lurking and watching.

\- Don't torture me...please...no more. - My throat was dry and i could hardly speak.

He was silent.

\- Stahl? I know...you're there... - I stuttered,trying to open my eyes.

I heard his slow quiet steps. He was plotting another scenario for me. But the truth was that it was my conscience wearing his face.

\- I just don't want...i can't...- I couldn't believe that i was saying those things. He broke started to stream down my face as signs of my defeat.

I felt a soft touch on my cheek. It burned me with warmth.

\- No... - I wanted to stand up,but i couldn't move.

\- Harlee...- His hardly audible whisper sounded so distant.

\- Let me go...just let me go... - I was talking to myself. What a joke!

\- I try. - I heard his soft voice.

I finally managed to open my eyes. Though my sight was blurry,i saw his grey silhouette. He was standing above me like an unavoidable doom.

I started to feel panic kick in. The worst part of anxiety attack was that my body felt like it was chained in dull ache.

\- Again. - Female voice interfered. Someone rushed up to me and took my hand.

\- No...no.- I felt a cold needle in my arm.

* * *

\- Mom,you are a liar!You never tell me the truth!Why!? - Christina's distraught voice was ringing in my head so loud and clear. No medicine could erase that pain of

losing a trust of the person i loved the most.

I could feel that i was awakening. Finally i could move my limbs.

\- Thank God... - I heard a soft female voice.

\- Water...please... - I was so thirsty and hungry like i've never drunk or eaten.

\- Of course!- The blond nurse rushed to me.

I opened my eyes and saw her beautiful glowing face.

\- You've been sleeping for 4 days... Dr. Gleeson said that it would be better for you...you had a very intense panic attack. - She was helping me to drink.

\- 4 days... - I repeated through my teeth. It sounded unreal.

\- Yes. But it's for the better...you know...- Blondie really was trying hard to soothe me.

\- Thank you for...this... - I looked at her with gratefulness. My body was sore and numb all at the same time. I couldn't feel my legs but i could move my hands and

head,though it hurt a lot.

\- I will get you some food. - The nurse stood up.

\- Melly didn't have anybody...who will burry her? - I mumbled,watching the nurse freeze in place.

\- I'm sorry for her...she had such a hard life but now...she is in peace. You have to know that you have a lot of people who care about you. Yesterday your friend from

work visited you. - Blondie looked at me with encouragement.

\- What friend? - My mind instantly threw me an image of Woz's wrinkled face.

\- A tall handsome man. He came by to check on you. A very polite guy. - Just the way she looked at the floor with a smile on her face,i could tell how much she liked

him.

\- What was his name? - Burning and stinging feeling in my stomach made me jump up. My legs were too weak so i dropped back in bed.

\- Thomas. He was here for less than 2 minutes. Just looked at you as you were sleeping and left. - Blondie's calm voice was hurting my ears.

\- He was tall with blue eyes? - I was trying to breathe but my chest got as heavy as a lead.

\- Yes. Blue eyes. - She nodded with a happy smile on her face.

I opened my mouth but couldn't say anything. Stahl was here. It wasn't a dream. That's why his touch was warm. In my nightmares his hands were always cold as

ice.

\- You are lucky to have such friends... - Blondie winked at me and walked out of the room.

\- Dammit...- I hissed through my teeth.

I stood up,remembering my plan with a bug. I started to search for it hastily. My thoughts were scattered,filling up my mind with too many things at once.

I found the bug under the mattress. Thank God,i hid it there.

\- He saw me...Ironically enough,i didn't have to pretend to be lost,broken or medicated. Stahl came right in time...Well, _he will come back_...oh,yes. And

next time i will be ready... - I mumbled under my breath,squeezing the saving bug in my hand so tightly that it hurt.


	17. Chapter 17

I was constantly reminiscing the moments i had with Stahl. Desperately trying to collect the crucial things,that my handler told me. I couldn't fail. It was "do or

die" for me. The memories filled my mind. Awful amount of stress that i went through because of Stahl was unforgettable. If only somebody else from FBI was

assigned to me.

That blond nurse couldn't even imagine who she saw. Thomas...what a stupid name. Polite...how could people be so dumb. Stahl could be so nice when he needed

to. Sure women fell for his good looks and manners. They couldn't see that massive black hole in him. I had a "privilage" to see the whole extent of it.

The moment came when I had to act as if i was completely lost and broken(well it wasn't far away from the truth). The bug that Woz gave to me became my

lifeline. I knew that Woz was ready to record everything that Stahl would say,when i activate the bug.

Time was passing so slowly. It was a torture. Being in the room alone...without Melly. Her bed was eerily empty,constantly reminding me that she was gone. At

night i would have flashbacks of my life before i met Stahl...happy times. Harlee Santos was doing her thing with no visible consequences. Well,every good thing

comes to an end. Surprisingly, i didn't see Stahl in my dreams. After my mind took in the fact that i saw him in flesh and blood, it seemed to stop the endless trail of

nightmares with him in the main role.

* * *

Dr. Gleeson called me the next day. He looked calm and collected as usual. I sat down in the armchair,waiting for another so-called therapy.

\- You look so concentrated,Harlee. - He was examining my face with professional precision.

\- Yes. I'm concentrated on my future recovery...i want to make it work. - My mind was generating Half truth as always.

\- It's so nice to hear this. I know that a recent tragedy shocked you,but i can see it didn't break you. - Dr. Gleeson took off his glasses and wiped them off,thinking

about next questions to ask.

\- Almost did. I want to forget about the person who made me this way...the man who ruined my life. - I dropped my head down to look as sad as possible.

\- It's not possible,Harlee. You can't erase memory,but you can learn how to detach yourself from him. - Doctor's voice was full of confidence and compassion.

\- If i do it,i will be free,right? - I looked up at him with hope.

\- Of course,Harlee. - He gave a soft smile.

\- But if i recover from my obsession,i won't be affected in any way,if i see him again? - My head was full of questions about Stahl.

\- Harlee,obsession comes from a very lonely place. The Person feels empty inside and incomplete,if he doesn't have someone by his side. It means that you need to

have somebody...somebody who won't be unreachable,who won't reject you. - was navigating me.

\- I understand... - I nodded,thinking about how delusional Doctor was. In Stahl's case it couldn't be further from the truth. He couldn't be with somebody in that

normal sense of the word. He wasn't able to love,even if that person was ready to love Stahl.

\- Harlee,what about your nightmares? - Doctor opened his big notebook.

\- Lately I didn't see him in my dreams... - I sighed with relief,omitting the fact that Stahl visited me.

\- This is a major step forward. - He wrote something and looked at me approvingly.

I gave him a weak smile. The rest of a therapy session he spent mumbling about ways to deal with my fixation. He said i had to keep a diary. I was nodding to

everything he was saying,while thinking about how i should react and behave,when Stahl comes.

* * *

The day for visitors came again. I hid the bug in my pants. My nerves were going wild. What if he didn't come? What if he saw me one time and it was enough for

him? What if i had to wait for weeks until he came again? I looked in the mirror and saw fear in my eyes. My face was sunken in,my curly hair got longer and thiner,I

lost a lot of about my appearance was showing what an "amazing" time i had lately. I was pacing around the room,waiting for the blondie to walk in and lead me to

the visitor's room. But she wasn't coming. There were only 3 hours left for visiting. I started to pray for luck,which i didn't do since my teenage years. I needed to see

Stahl. I had to see him.

Two hours passed. One hour was left for visitors and i was shaking in despair. Where was Stahl? Why was he hesitating? Damn,i was on the edge of breaking down.

\- - ,come with me. - The door opened and the head nurse walked in with her stern face.

I felt shivers. Memories of her,trying to revive Melly in the bathroom burst in.

\- Come on. - That nurse had a very loud and deep voice.

My legs moved forward with a lot of effort. The head nurse took me by the hand and led me through the corridor. Everything seemed like a dream. My body became

numb and the only thing that i could feel was nurse's rough hand,pushing me forward. She opened the door to the visitors room.

\- Go. You have a visitor - The nurse hissed at me impatiently.

I walked in. My heartbeat was drumming in my ears.

A man in a familiar black suit and a snow white shirt was sitting at the table. His light brown hair was perfectly smooth as usual. For a moment i felt deja vu. The

same rush of terror kicked in,just like the first time me and Stahl were sitting in front of each other,while he had all the evidence to lock me up,if i refused to

cooperate with FBI.

Stahl sat motionlessly,staring at me with his snake eyes. He wasn't blinking. I stopped breathing for a moment. It seemed unreal that he was there. I couldn't fully

realize the fact,that it was a real Stahl and not my conscience,wearing his face.

Silence was so loud in that room. I had to sit at the table,but my body was rejecting the orders of my mind. Stahl was like a monument. I couldn't see any

emotion in his eyes. Finally,i started to regain my composure. " _Let's start the performance_ " i said to myself and walked up to the table, letting him see,that my legs

were shaking. He needed to see how weak i became. I sat down in front of my nightmare. The only thing that changed in his face was the way his nostrils flared. He

was as nervous as i was,but he was the best at keeping a poker face. We were staring at each other as if we didn't need words to communicate. His cold blue eyes

were examining me almost with the same precision that Dr. Gleeson had. I bet he saw all the changes in my appearance and relished every new wrinkle,every new

gray hair,every lost kilo. I was trying to find the changes in him, but Stahl looked the same,only his skin wasn't as fresh and glowing as it used to be. The aging

prosess was unavoidable even for Agent Stahl.

Our staring contest seemed to be going for hours by then. He knew me too well,so he needed to be sure that i was broken. Finally,I decided to move.

I scratched my nose nervously and looked down,showing him how weak and lost i was. He was still silent. I looked up and noticed that he leaned closer.

Stahl's eyes changed. His pupils were dilated with excitement. Inside i smiled victoriously,because it ment,that He took the bait.

Suddenly he stood up,not breaking eye contact with me. Stahl was looking down on me literally and metaphorically,making me feel small and worthless.

The lump in my throat let me know that it worked on me. Psychologically i wasn't the same Harlee Santos,but i wasn't broken like he thought i was.

Stahl exhaled theatrically and walked to the door. I couldn't believe that it was it. He didn't say a word to me.

\- _**Robert**_... - My mouth generated his name out loud without my permission.

Stahl stopped. 2 guards in the doorway were waiting for him to walk out.

I stood up,staring at his back. " _Turn around...please_ " i was mumbling inside. But Stahl wasn't moving. He just froze in place.

The tension in his posture was palpable.

\- Time is up. Visitors should leave. - One of the guards broke oppressive silence.

Stahl's shoulders shuddered and he walked out,closing the door behind him.

I felt excruciating pain in my temples. The walk back to my room seemed endless. I couldn't understand what happened or i was too afraid to admit,that seeing me

lost and weak could break Stahl's interest in me. He wanted strong Harlee. He craved fearless woman, who matched his intelect and snaky cunning. The old Harlee

was the source of that special thrill. What if it was the end? I would never be able to get out of here...

* * *

\- Four chocolate frosted donuts and 2 coffee...- Stahl was ordering at the counter. I looked around. It was the same bakery,where i told Stahl that he was handsome.

What a stupid thing to say about that monster.

The smell of coffee and fresh bakery was almost real. That girl,who was flirting with Stahl brought donuts and coffee. Her wide smile and blushing cheeks couldn't be

more infuriating. Stahl hardly looked at her,leaving her a tip.

\- Harlee, will you continue to stare at me or you will have some donuts with hot coffee? - His tone was sarcastic. He streched out his hand to give me

a cup of coffee.

\- I don't want your freaking coffee! - I hissed with malice and pushed his hand,making him drop the cup.

\- Such a shame. - Stahl tilted his head,taking a chocolate donut.

He was looking at me,while chewing. Those cold blue eyes were laughing at me.

\- Stop it! - I slapped him in his face.

\- Harlee,if you're not hungry,it doesn't mean that i'm not. - The venom in his tone was obvious,though the words were meant to sound like a joke.

\- You won't get away from me! I will get your ass in prison! - I lost any sence of composure.

\- Your brilliant plan didn't work out and you are taking it all on _me_...- Stahl squinted his eyes,licking chocolate off his lips.

\- Because you think that you're the smartest person ever. - I crossed my arms,trying to stop my hands from shaking.

\- I'm not interested in you anymore...this is something that you can't accept...- His voice was soaked in satisfaction.

\- No!You are just testing me,that's it! It's not over,Stahl...- I leaned on the counter as if i was about to fall.

\- You need time to deal with _our break up_...you're not the only woman in my life anymore...- Stahl gave me a wicked grin and started to leave.

\- Don't you dare,turn your back on me! - I desperately grabbed him by the hand.

\- Now you know how it feels to be rejected...- He stopped and looked at me. I noticed a lot of pain in his cold eyes.

\- You will come back...you will...- My voice sounded pathetic and weak.

Stahl sighed and gently touched my cheek.

\- Deal with your fate,Harlee...and let me go. - He put his hand on mine to loosen my hold.

\- No...i won't...never. - I whispered,trying not to cry.

\- So i guess,now _you_ are the one who is _obsessed_ ,Harlee. - Stahl took off my hand and winked at me victoriously.

His tall figure walked out of the cafe,leaving me trembling from anger,despair and pain.

\- It's not over!It will be over when I say it's over! - I screamed at the top of lungs.

I opened my eyes and saw familiar hospital ceiling. My pillow was drenched in my cold sweat.

\- No. - I gritted my teeth and histerically groaned in my blanket.


	18. Chapter 18

My life wasn't getting any better like i thought it would. The bug couldn't help me,because Stahl didn't talk at all. I underestimated that prick. But i had to admit that

me calling him by his name did something to him. I didn't know was it a good or a bad thing. Was it the last proof of my complete defeat or a rivival of his interest.

Stahl didn't turn around but he was taken aback. I made a wrong decision by acting too weak. God,i wish i could turn back the time...How did i let that mess happen

to me? How did i end up being such a looser...I wanted to kill Stahl. I didn't care how,when and where.

I was spending my days,staring out of the window. Blondie would come one time in two days to lead me to the yard for 40 minutes walk. I was among sick

women,still sure that i wasn't crazy like them...

\- Harlee,have you started a diary? - Dr. Gleeson was looking at me with his usual sincere compassion.

\- No. - I mumbled irritably. Frankly I couldn't even think about anything except for Stahl.

\- You need to. I gave you a notebook last time. Where is it? - His voice sounded distant and useless.

\- I don't remember... - I answered,avoiding his gaze. Of course i knew where it was - in the trash can,ripped into pieces. I took out all my rage on that poor innocent

notebook.

\- Harlee,look at me. What happened since the last session? I thought that we made a progress and also your friend from work visited you. - He was conserned about

my wellbeing,which annoyed me even more.

\- Yeah...he was here...thank you for giving me an opportunity to see my friends once a week. - I mumbled with fake gratitude.

\- What has changed since our last session? - Doctor was relentless.

\- I just dodn't think i can do it...i have a bad luck lately. - I shrugged my shoulders.

\- don't. It's normal to have ups and downs in the mood. Don't overthink your life too much. That's why i want you to keep a diary. It helps to take out all your bad

thought on the paper. If you don't want to write than draw. - He put his hands on the table like a school teacher.

\- Ok,i will try it today... - I nodded reluctantly. All i wanted was to be done with that session.

* * *

To make time pass faster i started a diary. I had to keep my head busy,until the next visitor's day. At first i wanted to write something but instead my hand started to

draw weird patterns,that resembled snakes. I could do that for hours. Somehow it made me feel better.

At night i didn't have much sleep and even if i had couple hours i didn't see Stahl anymore. I was torn by two opposite feelings - relief and worry. Of course i was glad

that i didn't see his pale face,but at the same time it didn't feel right. As if i lost him and couldn't reach. That fear of not seeing him again was so strong. It meant

that i would spend the rest of my life locked up in asylum,while he would be free.

Next visitor's day I still had a little hope,that Stahl could come back. When Blondie led me through the corridor,my expectations weren't high. At least i knew that if it

wasn't Stahl,it would be Woz. But when i walked in, my eyes almost burst out.

\- Mom... - My daughter stood up,obviously shocked by my appearance.

\- Christina! - I rushed to her with every fiber of my being.

\- Mom...i'm sorry...- She mumbled,hugging me tightly.

Tears were streaming down my face like an endless waterfall.

\- I've missed you so much! - I couldn't be happier in that magical moment,when my daughter was in my arms.

\- Me too...- She whispered softly in my ear.

Finally we managed to break our tight loving embrace.

\- Mom,you look so...tired and exhausted...- Christina's beautiful hazel eyes were full of sadness and devastation.

\- Yes,because i'm in asylum. Don't worry,i'm just fine...your mom is a fighter,never forget it. - I smiled at my sweet baby as gleefully as i could.

\- Woz was very patient with me. He didn't push me to visit you...i wanted so badly to see you...but i was angry and hurt... - Christina started mumbling nervously.

\- Don't even apologize. The only person,who needs to say sorry is me. I lied to you so many times...i'm sorry. - Finally i could come clean with my daughter - my

reason to live.

\- I know you had no choice. Woz told me everything. Miguel was an awful man...i will never call him "father". - Her face got distorted with disgust.

\- Forget about him. He will never bother us. If i had to kill him again to protect you,i would do it hundred times. - I touched her cheeks that were wet from tears. My

heart was ready to explode from amount of love i had for her.

\- Mom,you can't stay here. We have to do something! - Christina desperately grabbed my hand,shaking like a leaf.

\- We will. I know how but it takes time. - I couldn't bare that pain in her eyes.

\- That Agent needs to be here and not you! - My daughter looked like me in the moments of emotional outbursts.

\- And he will! - I said as convincingly as i could,though inside i had a lot of doubts.

\- Mom,can i help you with it? - Christina squinted her eyes.

\- No. There's nothing you can do...but Woz can. Tell him to keep his eye on Stahl. - I whispered,holding her hand tightly.

\- I got it. But you still think that i'm not old enough for your games... - She pursed her lips mockingly and giggled.

The sound of her laughter made me forget where we were and how tired i was. It was just like the old happy days.

\- I love you more than you will ever know... - I hugged her,closing my eyes to savor that moment.

\- You are the best mother in the world. - Christina's voice cracked,she was trying so hard not to cry. My girl wanted to be strong for me.

I came back to my room,feeling such a boost of hope and energy. My daughter finally forgave me. In that moment i felt like i could break all the walls in

that asylum. Somehow i managed to subdue the dreadful thought,that Stahl wouldn't visit me again. Next week i spent meditating and drawing wierd patterns

in my diary.

* * *

\- So i can see a very positive dynamic after you had a visit from your daughter. It's so obvious. - Dr. Gleeson was sipping his favorite tea.

\- Yes. After i saw her,everything started to have a meaning again... - I was sitting in the armchair,completely relaxed for the first time.

\- Your drawings are very significant in telling me what is going on in your head. - He was going through my diary like it was the book full of Egyptian hieroglyphics

that needed to be decoded.

\- And what can you say? - I felt slightly amused by his seriousness.

\- Well,you are confused...you want things that contradict each other. - 's voice was calm and soothing.

\- You have a point - I nodded to him,not denying that he was right.

\- Harlee,tell me what do you want and what do you fear the most? - He looked at me and i instantly felt under a microscope.

\- I want to be free...and i'm scared of being imprisoned... - I answered rather quikly. Of course it was half truth. I wanted to kill Stahl and i was scared of becoming

the monster.

\- There's something else,Harlee. Something more personal...- 's experience was helping him to read between the lines.

\- I'm confused...you said it youself,Doctor... - I made a sad face,pretending to be very lost.

\- I will help you. What about that man? - He was staring at me,examining my facial expressions.

\- That man is less and less in my dreams and in my head. - Just like the old good days,Harlee was mixing truth with lies again.

\- Are you sure? - Doctor's tone was full of suspicion.

\- Yes,i am - I put all my acting skills in to those 3 words.

\- I hope it's true,Harlee. Lying to me is not helpful for you in any way. - Doctor looked at me with mixture of disapproval and sadness.

\- I'm doing all i can not to think about him but...you always bring him up. - Suddenly i felt extreme headache like someone hit me with a hammer.

\- Because obsession doesn't go away easily. We need to and we have to talk about it. - He frowned,putting aside my so-called diary.

\- I understand... - My mind got filled with anger as soon as Doctor made me think about Stahl.

\- What do you feel right now? Tell me. - His voice sounded unusually strict and demanding.

\- I feel rage just from one thought of him. - I squeezed my temples as if it could cease my headache.

\- Only rage? Think about it... - Doctor wasn't satisfied with my short answer.

I took a pause. What did he wanted to hear from me? Probably,Doctor waited for a long passionate answer.

\- I hate everything that could be connected to him. Every memory makes me cringe with disgust. But i need to see him...- I really despised how true my answer

actually was.

\- Very good,Harlee. That's honesty. - Doctor's eyes glimmered with approval.

After 's session i felt puzzled by my own feelings. There was something very unsettling about my thoughts. Maybe i was really becoming obsessed.

I started to doubt my sanity and it was scarry.

My daughter was saving me from dwelling on that topic for too long. I decided to think about her,remember our walks to the park,where she would ride on her little

green bicycle. Christina was such a precious baby girl. She had a special charm, that made everyone turn around in affection. Who would i be? Where would i be if it

wasn't for her?

* * *

I heard loud sounds of a working washing machine. Instantly i opened my eyes. I was in the middle of Stahl's appartment. Neat,clean and blank with no personality.

There was furniture,but still it felt empty.

\- Stahl? - I called,hoping that he was there to answer. I scared myself. How did i end up wanting to see that prick.

Silence. Just washing machine working.

Slowly i made my way to the bathroom. I saw a lot of towels covered in blood. They were scattered on the floor,while clothes were in the washing machine.

The familiar slizzy hands of fear wrapped around me. Panic kicked in. The first thing i wanted to do - to shut down that washing machine. I pushed the

"stop"button,but it was still working. I unplugged it and it was still working even with more enthusiasm.

\- Stop! - I screamed hysterically. All the anger,fear and panic rose in me. I was beating that loud washing machine with all my might.

I grabbed the handle and opened it up. All the clothes flooded out at my feet. I looked closely and recognized my beige blouse. I picked it up. Blood stains were all

over it. Then i saw my jeans,my favorite brown coat. Finally it hit me,that all the clothes were mine.

I woke up in my hospital room,feeling like all my entrails were set on fire.

* * *

Next days i spent running away from thoughts about that nightmare. It was really hard to do. I felt dirty,i started to see blood stains everywhere -

on the walls,in sandwhiches that i couldn't eat,on the window pane,on my pillow. I knew it wasn't real,but it still haunted me, made me feel sick.

Women that i saw in canteen were different. Some were chatty,others were silent. I was in "silent" group. Melly was gone,so i didn't have anyone to talk to. And not

that i wanted to. When i was walking in the yard,i bet i looked just like the rest of them. Silent,grumpy,broken and unstable.

Another week passed and visitor's day came again. I was waiting for Waz. I knew that Christina told him how awful i looked. Blondie came in very early

in the morning and i saw happy smirk on her face.

\- Let's go. You have a visitor. - She tried to sound formal,but i could feel her excitement.

I stood up,sencing something strange about her glowing appearance. Maybe she fell in love. Yes,probably her personal life was going well. We were walking through

the corridor,when we passed the door of visitor's room. I looked at her with question. Blondie just winked at me and led me to the yard.

\- Today you have a special opportunity. - Blondie whispered to me conspiratorially and left.

I was puzzled for a second,but decided that probably Waz befriended Dr. Gleeson. The only bench in the yard was occupied by a male figure and it wasn't Waz.

My heart sank,when i finally realized who that was. Stahl was sitting like he owned that bench,not looking in my direction.

His posture,his face,everything in him showed me that he was in control of the situation and i was helpless.

"Dammit!I forgot to take the bug" - I exclaimed inwardly.

Stahl finally acknowledged my presence. His steel-blue eyes locked on me. I didn't feel anything except for a little rush of satisfaction.

Stahl was still examining me from head to toe and moved back to leave enough space for me on the bench.

The closer i got to him,the more fear was kicking in. I sat down next to him,trying to hide my rapid breathing.

\- You don't want to talk to me - After a long pause,I decided to take matters into my own hands. I wanted to sound confident,but all that i could do

was whisper. I held my breath,waiting for his answer.

\- I guess now you're ready to talk. - He finally spoke. I felt shivers runnning down my spine.

His voice sounded deeper than usual or maybe i just didn't hear his voice for a long time.

\- Yes,i am. - I swallowed but my mouth was dry as desert. We weren't looking at each other.

\- Good. - He said sternly,staring at asylum's walls. I felt like Stahl was hesitating and didn't know what to tell me.

\- Were you waiting for me to speak up first? - After an awkward pause i generated a question.

\- I wanted to see what you would do,how you would behave. - He answered matter-of-factly.

\- It's a part of your experiment. - I mumbled almost inaudibly.

\- I could imagine any outcome but not your total defeat. - Stahl's voice had that familiar venom intertwined with his suave tone.

His remark reassured me,that my appearance and attitude shocked him. That was why he didn't talk to me the first time.

\- But isn't it what you always wanted? - I asked,pushing away an urge to strangle him rigt there and then.

\- Not actually. - Stahl moved on the bench,though i couldn't tell closer or further from me.

\- You wanted to see me punished. So your dream came true. - I spit out irritably.

\- Harlee...- He purred my name with familiar tenderness.

I couldn't help but cringe - Memories of me being tied up to a chair,feeling helpless in his near presence hit me like a ton of bricks.

\- Why are you here? - I mumbled,trying to supress panic that was creeping in.

\- Because you wanted me here...didn't you? - He said,putting his arm across the bench. I could feel his hand almost caressing my shoulder.

\- My doctor told me that i have to deal with my demons so... - I tried to sound sarcastic,but my trembling voice gave me away.

\- Of course. Now you're listening to 's advice. He told me that you had a meltdown couple of times. I said to him that i was your

friend from work,which isn't far away from the truth. - Stahl was talking idly,mocking me with every word.

\- You can be very nice when you need to use somebody. I just want a truce,so i can heal. - Old Harlee's tricks came out again.

\- I can't believe my own ears. - Stahl's soft chuckle couldn't be more insulting.

\- I really mean it. - I balled up my fists.

\- It's not you,Harlee Santos...not you - Stahl finally turned to me,trying to find something in my eyes.

His face was so close. I couldn't help but avoid his stare.

\- Look at me... - He demanded with that familiar steel tone,just like he used to threaten me when something didn't go his way.

I turned my face to him reluctantly. His cold blue eyes were burning me. I couldn't look at him any longer and turned away.

\- I don't want a truce,Harlee. Not with you... - Stahl whispered almost inaudibly. It sounded so answer brought another rush of anxiety.

\- Why not? I remember you told me that you wanted to have a normal relationship with me... - My mind was working hard to give me enough stamina to keep

that conversation going.

\- Probably the second step in your healing will be making friends with me...don't disappoint me,Harlee...You are a convicted felon.

We are on different sides of the tracks and we've always been. - His arrogant condescendin tone was cutting me like a knife. I knew that my offer sounded rediculous

and so unlike old Harlee.

\- We will never be friends. It's impossible. But i need you to give me peace... - My mubling was pathetic.

\- Harlee,wake up. Don't lose last shreds of your dignity. - Stahl stood up and looked at me with felt like an electric shock through my veins.

\- You brought me here!Made me lose everything while you deserve to be here more than me. - Rage took over me. I could feel that even my exhausted body

was ready to attack him. The tension was too much to handle.

\- Finally,I can recognize you... - Stahl's disgust morphed into satisfaction. His familiar grin made me feel so small. It seemed like Stahl wanted to get me out of my

shell. It seemed like he could see through me...through my lies. I was looking at him,trying to figure out what to do next.

\- You know my life isn't the same as well...i'm not an Agent anymore. But i can't complain...- Stahl's behavior became strangely relaxed.

\- You're still free. Myers must be a good addition to your new life. - I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.

He stepped back,obviously surprised that i knew about him and Agent Myers.

\- She came to me with a deal and i could tell that you got your hooks on her. - I anticipated his question written all over his face.

\- If i didn't know better,i would think that you were jealous. - His tone was sarcastic and angry at the same time.

\- I pity her...- I could feel throbbing pain in my temples.

\- No,you don't,Harlee...i don't think that you really believe that i treat her the same. - Stahl was evidently amuzed.

\- Better most likely. - I hissed through my teeth.

\- Harlee,she is a stepping stone and you know it. - His smug grin was nauseating.

\- Just like everyone else. - I crossed my legs and arms like a little girl,offened by her parent.

\- You can't blame me for something that you do as well. That's hypocritical. - Stahl moved closer with his ice-blue eyes,glowing with excitement and

malice.

How much i hated talking to Stahl,because he was telling the truth right in my face. The kind of truth that i didn't want to accept.

\- What if she is really into you? What about her feelings? - I didn't like Myers,although out of female solidarity i couldn't help but say it to him.

\- Since when you care about hurting someone's feelings. Maybe you forgot how you used Nava? - Stahl's face slowly morphed into

the indifferent mask.

\- Don't you dare speak his name!- I jumped up,feeling like Stahl set me on fire by mentioning James.

\- I didn't kill him,remember. I had nothing to do with it... - Probably my reaction spoke volumes,so Stahl backed away.

\- You had everything to do with my life falling to pieces!I remember! - I hardly kept myself from punching him.

\- Harlee...justice is served. Deal with it. - Stahl looked at me victoriously.

\- Not yet - I mumbled through my teeth.

\- I'm sure you need more time but unfourtunately Ms. Santos needs to rest. - The Blondie came up quietly,almost like a cat. She was looking at Stahl with evident

curiosity.

\- Of cource!We had such a nice talk. Thank you. I've missed my friend - Stahl's attitude changed completely. He smiled at Blondie with all his fake gladness.

\- Harlee,listen to doctor's orders and you will recover,i'm sure. You have my full suport. - He came up to me and took my hand. I wanted to scream and push him

away,but i froze. His hand seemed so warm compared to mine. I felt like a cold corpse.

\- Goodbye. - His eyes were piercing me,i clenched my teeth to keep myself from talking.

Stahl let go of my hand and turned to Blondie. They walked away,leaving me standing with my agony.


End file.
